by Fiona likes to blog | Oct 25, 2023 | WRITING
I’ve been publishing poetry on a secret Instagram account for a while now.
Partly because I’m embarrassed about how new I am to this art form, partly because I feel like an imposter, but mostly, because the idea of showing you my poems is like showing you my innards and asking you to tell me I am beautiful.
I’ve published books about my personal life, and written about being depressed and anxious for national publications. I’ve been honest about not wanting kids, about my tarot obsession and coming out later in life.
But something about turning my thoughts into lyrical creations feels like an emotional challenge. Perhaps it’s because writing from your gut is more than one hurdle.
There’s the initial discomfort of choosing to dig around in your emotional landscape, uncovering joyful moments that have slipped away and experiencing hard times that you’d rather forget.
Then comes the task of shaping those experiences into something that not only feels truthful and authentic but also performs in a way that touches an audience in the way you intend.
But ultimately, for me, I use writing as a way to feel seen. A way to be visible in a world that wants queer women to be quiet.
The final step may be the most painful part: choosing to share those words with others and knowing that not everyone will like it, understand it or even care.
So why publish poetry at all? Why not just write it in my bedroom and keep it safe in the pages of my journal?
I don’t think this is a bad idea actually. There are hundreds of words in my journals and on my laptop that will never see the light of day.
The advice I always give to my mentoring clients is that you can always post your work anonymously. If you’re worried about a friend or family member reading it, or having your boss see you badmouthing your company, there is absolutely no requirement to attach your name to your work. Use a fake name. Create an anonymous instagram account.
But ultimately, for me, I use writing as a way to feel seen. A way to be visible in a world that wants queer women to be quiet.
For that reason, I knew that publishing my poetry was going to be an important part of my journey as a writer as well as an act of acknowledgement of my own creative spirit. A tangible action to prove that my voice matters.
It’s an act of empowerment to have my poems in a digital space instead of hiding in my notebooks.
Around September 2022, I made an instagram account and started posting little poems that were small enough to fit in a square. I tagged them in Spain (wow, really covering my tracks like a spy here) and told one friend that the page existed, because I knew she would think it was cool.
I shared poems intermittently over the last year and the act of posting those poems online has given me the confidence to take poetry more seriously.
I posted online and the world didn’t crumble. I shared my account with my newsletter subscribers and no one took the piss out of me. I look back on the posts now and again and having them collected in one place makes it feel more real.
It’s an act of empowerment to have my poems in a digital space instead of hiding in my notebooks. Just like I struggle everyday to take up space as a queer woman in a world made for cis heterosexual men.
But I know I can’t hide in the shadows forever. I know I need to, for my own well-being, share those words with you to prove to myself that I am allowed to take up space as a person, never mind as a poet.
So here goes, my Instagram account where I post all my poetry. I’d love for you to follow me to keep up to date with my journey and hopefully get inspired to take creative leaps of your own.
by Fiona likes to blog | Oct 18, 2023 | WRITING
When I started sharing my writing on the internet back in 2012, it wasn’t because I’d written anything I was proud of. It was because I had hit rock bottom and had nowhere else to go.
I was too depressed to go to work and too anxious to socialise. My ‘professional working woman’ outer shell, the one I’d spent years creating, had all but disintegrated and I was…. confused.
Writing online was my way of figuring that out and a few years later it turned out rather well. I published two books and was paid to write for magazines. I began to host online writing courses for others, finding satisfaction in pulling others up to where I felt we all deserved to be.
But this time, writing explicitly about the gurglings in my subconscious through personal essays or a memoir hasn’t felt quite right. It hasn’t felt enough.
But over the last few years, amidst coming out as a lesbian and processing a painful divorce, I’ve felt that urge return again. An urge to find myself through writing.
I’ve written a few blogs, regularly written to my newsletter fam (I see you!) but there is something more potent stirring that needs a unique outlet.
Non-fiction has always been my jam.
A true story tugs on my heartstrings everytime, I’m a nosey bugger and I want to know about people’s lives and the stories they survive. But this time, writing explicitly about the gurglings in my subconscious through personal essays or a memoir hasn’t felt quite right. It hasn’t felt enough.
I’m only just finding the courage to really say what is going on in my brain and to shape it into something subjective, something that cannot be bumped up by a clickable headline or polished by a professional editor.
I need a fresh set of paints to create my art.
And I really do mean art, because after writing books as part of the traditional publishing model I feel as though I disregarded myself as an artist completely. I tweaked my words and edited my ideas to make my writing profitable.
Do I regret it? Not necessarily.
It’s a process I had to go through to experience first-hand. I have tangible proof that I can write professionally (which not everyone needs, but I’m insecure so it helps) but now I want to prove to myself that I can write artistically too.
My approach to non-fiction has always been about the internal monologue mixed in with external events. But there aren’t always words that express the wild and unspeakable things that go on in our heads.
So I turned to poetry to figure out what was going on in there with the hope of alchemising it into something that I feel is an artistic representation of who I am.
I’ve been writing poetry for over a year, but more recently something shifted in me. I gave myself permission to really dedicate the time to my craft. To read more poetry, to learn about technique, take part in courses and begin editing and sharing my work.
This is all vulnerable in a way that feels rather dramatic. Who cares if I’m writing poetry? Does anyone care? I have no idea and maybe that’s what I’m finding so unbearably raw. That I’m only just finding the courage to really say what is going on in my brain and to shape it into something subjective, something that cannot be bumped up by a clickable headline or polished by a professional editor. This is all on me now.
I’m writing this because I don’t think enough writers talk about changing lanes. About getting out of a niche they’ve built for themselves and doing the scary thing of trying to break out of it.
Perhaps you’ve told yourself that you could only ever write fiction because your life isn’t interesting enough to be a memoir.
Maybe you’ve stuck to poetry because a novel seems like a mammoth task you’re incapable of completing.
Or perhaps like me, you’ve stuck with the kind of writing that other people said you are good at.
Whatever your writing lane, consider this blog post a flashing green arrow encouraging you to merge into a new one, and allow your inner artist to take the wheel. Read more about my poetry.
by Fiona likes to blog | Sep 11, 2023 | LESBIAN LIFE, WRITING
Since January 2022, I’ve been using spirituality as an antidote to the pathologizing of the female queer experience.
In a moment of reflection during Christmas break, while sitting in my parents’ house, I allowed myself to confront the truth about my sexual identity. It was a realisation that would ultimately explain the depression, anxiety, chronic pain, and sexual issues that had plagued me for years.
Coming Out & Navigating the Initial Pain
The path to self-discovery was not without its challenges, especially when it came to the initial pain of coming out as a lesbian.
While the full story is too raw for me to share at this moment, I found myself like a kid in a sandbox of possibilities, free to explore life without the constraints of a partner.
This newfound sense of wholeness sparked my curiosity and desire for self-experimentation.
Stepping into Change
As I contemplated the possibilities, my mind raced with both big and small changes I could make.
From moving to the seaside and starting a new career to getting a nose piercing and wearing waistcoats proudly (oh the joy of being a lesbian stereotype!) my journey of self-acceptance was filled with excitement and courage I didn’t know I had.
But there is no discomfort more dangerous than the one that comes from denying your own evolution.
It was a time of both joy and grief for what had come before. Grief for the marriage, for my wasted youth, and for the stability I had in the false life I had chosen to live.
I knew that navigating the post-coming-out bubble would require proactive mental health management. Triggers were everywhere, from wedding photographs to social media posts, and even TV shows we used to watch together.
To cope, I delved deep into self-help practices such as meditation, journaling, yoga, and tarot readings. Astrology, birth charts, and oracle cards became integral parts of my daily routine.
Integrating Authenticity into My Writing
Not everyone understood my choices, and I could see it in the faces of friends and relatives.
But there is no discomfort more dangerous than the one that comes from denying your own evolution.
I will no longer stunt my growth to please others. It it their own denial that comes to the surface when they judge me asserting my freedom to choose. They see in me what they are incapable of giving to themselves.
It limited my authentic expression to a small circle, reinforcing the belief that my whole self was not worthy of acceptance.
This isn’t a dig. Don’t get me wrong, I am angry; but not necessarily at the people who dismiss my choices. I’m angry at myself for tweaking my personality to fit in for so many years.
Integrating my newfound self into my work as a writer and course facilitator was a challenge. I realised that not everyone needed access to every facet of my life, but it felt wrong to compartmentalise my life into things that could and couldn’t be shared online.
I wanted desperately to protect my mental health, but it seemed like hiding parts of myself toed the line between safe and dangerous.
My personal brand, closely linked to my identity, has always played a significant role in my writing career and while it was tempting to keep certain aspects hidden, I believe that sharing the most genuine parts of myself is where my magic as a creative resides.
My Patreon Journey: Pros and Cons
To create a safe space for sharing my spiritual experiences, I started a Patreon.
This allowed me to write candidly about mystical experiences, tarot readings, and all that jazz. It provided regular writing practice and boosted my confidence in tarot. However, it came with guilt for withholding content from some subscribers and the pressure to cater to a small audience.
Why I Closed My Patreon
Running my Patreon was a safe but confining experience. It limited my authentic expression to a small circle, reinforcing the belief that my whole self was not worthy of acceptance.
Ultimately, I closed it to avoid perpetuating the divide between the sellable and the real me.
And while I know that there are people on the internet and in my real life will not accept me, will not see my choices as wise, my beliefs as appropriate …. I refuse to silence myself in order to maintain an outdated self-image for people who aren’t willing to witness my evolution.
It’s time to combine the two and be true to myself in every aspect of life.
Embracing my Full Self
In the end, Patreon brought financial gains, but for my personal circumstances, it raised questions about the cost of authenticity.
While Patreon can provide a private writing space, it demands significant time and effort for profitability. For me, the love of writing lies in self-expression shared with as many people as possible.
Good news: I’m in the process of copying all my Patreon blogs over to this website. Sign up for my newsletter to receive updates.
by Fiona likes to blog | Sep 8, 2023 | ANXIETY, LIFE, WRITING
I’ve been experimenting with following the moon cycles this year and although I’m no expert, I’ve found it interesting to work with these dates instead of a typical calendar month, especially when it comes to journaling and intention setting around my creative practice.
So I thought I’d give you a brief rundown of how the cycles work and how you can integrate actions around the new and full moon to build a life you love.
New Moon
This is the time when the moon isn’t visible from Earth.
So think about it as a clean slate, a time before things have even begun, an invitation to think about what you want to manifest in your life and then you can break it down into smaller intentions or tasks to be completed over the coming cycle.
This could be starting a new project, refreshing one that is feeling a bit stale, connecting with new people or getting out of your comfort zone to take in some inspiration at an event or exhibition. It’s all about new beginnings, so challenge yourself to think outside the box.
Actions:
- Tarot spread to connect with your intuition and find out what you really want
- Book a reading with a trusted tarot reader
- Journaling to explore future and write a list of new moon intentions
- Vision boarding
Waxing Cresent, first quarter and gibbous moon phases see the moon become more visible over a period of roughly two weeks, culminating in the full moon.
During this period, stay focused on your creative intentions, journal on them daily, visualise them becoming a reality and make use of the energy that accompanies the time after the new moon.
Journal prompts for the new moon phase:
- What aspects of my inner self are currently in the shadows, waiting to be illuminated?
- What new creative connections do I want to manifest during this lunar cycle?
- What habits, beliefs, or energies no longer serve my creative self?
- As a writer, what creative projects or ideas are calling to me at this moment?
- How can I nurture and bring them to life during this lunar phase?
- What self-care practices will I prioritise during this lunar cycle to nourish my mind, body, and spirit?
- What intuitive insights or messages am I receiving at this moment?
- What does the moon represent to me, and how can I align with its energy for self-growth?
Full Moon
This is the energetic peak of the cycle, where you may find your energy levels are uncomfortably high.
I personally get a lot of anxious energy around the full moon, normally with headaches and chronic overthinking about how I’ve acted in the weeks previously (fun!)
Don’t be surprised if this leads to a lot of self-doubt in your creative abilities, fear of rejection or lack of energy as things come to a head. Hopefully, you’ll start to see some of your intentions manifest around this time.
This is the time to pause and reflect on what you have or haven’t manifested over the last few weeks. Let go of the past and move on.
Actions:
- Tarot spread to focus on what you need to let go of
- Journaling to express gratitude for what you have now
- Letter to the universe to say thank you and unsent letters of forgiveness for emotions you want to release
During the disseminating, third quarter and balsamic moon period you might find your energy level become more stable and then begin to dip off as it reaches the end of the cycle.
Use this time to relax into where you are now.
Keep working on the intentions you set but let go of anything that isn’t working and continue to put effort into the things that have been successful in the past. Give yourself grace towards the end of the cycle and make time for restorative self-care.
Journal prompts for the full moon
- What have I created since the last full moon, and how have these creations changed me?
- How has my creative process evolved over the last month?
- What blocks need my attention to let creative energy flow?
- How have I nurtured my creative spirit this month?
- How have I connected with fellow artists or writers this month and how has it fuelled my creative energy?
- What insights have my dreams provided recently and how will I use this in my creative work?
- Who or what am I ready to forgive and let go of?
Then the cycle begins all over again with the fresh new moon!
Was this helpful? Would you like to see more posts about how to work with the moon?
by Fiona likes to blog | Aug 16, 2023 | LIFE, WRITING
I used AI to come up with a structure for this blog post and I am not sorry.
My brain is fried from the overwhelming pressure that we are all under at the moment. Rent is at an unprecedented high, the hope of getting a mortgage is fading quickly, the cost of everything is increasing, I’m working more than I want to and I’m tired. So yeah, if I can get a little support from Chat GPT think that’s OK.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how hard it is to rest within the clutches of capitalism. The profit-driven nature of privatised consumerism means that prices are increasing which means I need to earn more money to live. As someone with mental and chronic illness, trying to address trauma and function as a single person going through divorce… I’m just tired.
Why Capitalism is Making Your Tired
When your employer doesn’t offer sick pay, you go to work when you know should be in bed getting better. And if you do take time off, you go back to work before you’re well to avoid a slim paycheck and disciplinary action.
When you’re self-employed and the cost of living has increased for your clients, you fear losing them so you don’t increase your rates and are forced to take on more clients to pay your mortgage on time, which can lead to elevated stress levels, substance abuse, insomnia and depression.
When you do feel healthy (whatever that means) you work long hours because you know it will lead to some sort of success in the form of a pay rise, promotion, increased sales, or a general ‘atta boy’ pat on the back from society in general.
You wear clothes that look professional. You mask any parts of yourself that don’t fit the image of what a productive, well-paid, respectable member of society looks like, a practice that people with ADHD are painfully well-versed in.
And when you do have pockets of time outside of work, you feel this undeniable pressure to develop yourself into a better person, reading self-help books and taking courses and listening to podcasts on productivity.
The worst part about all of this is that you don’t feel as though you have any right to complain.
Capitalism works you like a machine and brandishes you as lazy when you perform like a human who needs, rest, play and social time.
Widespread problem
This isn’t a new realisation for me. I worked in hospitality for over a decade, pulling 16 hours shifts on my feet, locking up at midnight only to put the key in the door at 6am the following day.
I took naps in the cupboard, compartmentalised my tears to the staff bathroom, sustained a back injury and worked anyway, ignored panic attacks and did all this while earning a wage that was so laughable I stole food from my employers in order to eat.
Now as a self-employed writer, I’ve experienced the capitalist pressure from the publishing industry, spending literally years writing books for well below minimum wage and feeling as though I should be grateful for the opportunity.
I’ve lost weekends with family, nights out with pals, worked on Christmas Day and lost my temper with partners due to the physical and mental burden of trying to make money doing a job that I actually enjoy.
My experience is not the worst, but it’s certainly not unique.
- Work-related burnout is up to 40%, higher than during the pandemic.
- The number of people not working in the UK due to illness has risen to a new record, in part triggered by a rise in employee mental health issues.
- Figures from the Office for National Statistics show that 438,000 more people were not looking for work from January to March 2023 because they were on long-term sick leave. In total, 2.5m people are not currently working due to health problems.
Resting is not an option
Even when the body does force you to slow down and rest, capitalism tells you that this should be in the ‘right’ way, by paying for therapy, getting in your silly little walk, and buying SAD lamps and vitamins all with the underlying message that you must get well enough to be productive again.
Even our default relaxation mode of scrolling on social media is permeated by consumerism, littered with adverts for things we didn’t know we needed as well as examples of others being more productive or successful than us.
Internalised capitalism
Perhaps the biggest lie we’ve been sold is that constantly pushing forward is the only option. And when you feel deflated, unfulfilled and empty, you assume that the answer is to strive more instead of less.
The blame always lands on us, for not doing enough, being quick/smart/committed enough, and never with the system which is intent on working us like machines.
“Internalized capitalism is this idea that our self-worth is directly linked to our productivity,” said Anders Hayden, a political science professor at Dalhousie University.
“You can’t feel value in yourself just for being alive – just for being a human being. You have to be a ‘human doing’ to have any value.”
Societal pressure
Identifying with your achievements is one of the things I’ve been personally working hard to unlearn.
I am proud that I have written and published two books, but identifying with those achievements and their success has been painful.
Instead of focusing on the fact that I poured my life lessons into hundreds of pages and help my readers feel seen, I have had a tendency to focus on which magazines have featured the book, how many speaking opportunities they have led to, and of course how many sales and how much (little) money they have earned me.
This time last year, I was throwing around book ideas with my agent. Flirting with another memoir, researching industry trends, trying to write ‘for the market’ and amongst all of that I became so disillusioned with the commodification of my creativity (and my trauma) that I simply gave up.
There is no external achievement that is ever going to feel like enough.
Soothing the Pain
So where do we go from here? I can’t think of any way to live outside of the system.
I am perpetuating the system as we speak, this blog post is part of it, it’s a way for me to communicate to you as part of my business. I rely on an audience of writers paying for my time so that I can afford to pay rent and bills.
1. Create more than you consume
Maintaining autonomy is so much harder when you are bombarded with messages from the media. Instead of endlessly consuming, get into the habit of creating what you want to see in the world. Start a book club, write a poem, and cook dinner from scratch. The experience of creation is soothing and gives you back time that would otherwise be sucked up by corporations who want your money.
2. Redefine wealth
I don’t think that you should be ‘satisfied’ with what you earn, and I certainly don’t think that you should be struggling to afford to heat your home and feed yourself.
But I do think those of us with a relatively steady income could benefit from taking a closer look at how we define wealth.
Wealth doesn’t have to be the capitalist definition of money in the bank and property in your name. Wealth can be the experiences you have with friends, a morning spent in the park enjoying nature, or you writing stories and poems that only you will read.
3. Examine emotional spending
This isn’t about saving money, but instead recognising when you are consuming products and services because you’ve been psychologically manipulated into thinking you need them.
For me, this means making do with a minimal skincare routine, three pairs of trousers, one pair of trainers and trying hard not to buy trendy items just because I’m going out somewhere on the weekend.
Buying on Vinted has been helpful in this transitional period as I still want to spend but not in a way that forces me into debt or needing to work harder to pay off my Klarna account.
4. Play and rest as a form of resistance
There is no denying the pressure on modern workers to make every moment of life productive.
They say rest is productive (because it allows you to work harder the next day) but I say rest is just nice. Rest is what we were born to do.
Being playful is a big middle finger to the system that wants you to spend your time working, earning, chasing, and bettering yourself so that you are more valuable.
Playing, whether that’s doodling in your notebook during a meeting, joking around with your friends or writing limericks and sending them to your partner, IS within your grasp. It’s something that you can hold onto and prioritise if you choose to.
Reclaim your energy
So here we are. Trapped in a system we did not choose to be a part of, striving for more and never feeling as though we are enough.
Punished for being human, praised when we push through and perform like robots. Is it any wonder you are tired AF? No.
You are tired because you deserve better, you deserve playfulness, you deserve to create, to have mindful wandering, and contentment in your simple existence.
And while that may not seem easy to achieve, it is possible, and potentially life-changing.
by Fiona likes to blog | Aug 9, 2023 | WRITING
Sue has been in my life for the last few years, attending various writing workshops and cheering me on through Instagram. But last year, she reached out to work with me on a mentoring basis.
Recently, she offered to write down a testimonial for me and I wanted to share it so that if you’re thinking about working with me you can get an idea of what to expect.
“They say when the student is ready the teacher appears.”
I wish it hadn’t taken me 10 years to be ready to find Fi but now I have I am so grateful for her gentle, decisive, insightful guidance.
It is not an exaggeration to say that within 2 weeks of starting coaching with Fi I had accomplished a goal I’d had for several years (Let’s not dwell on how many years, it was a lot). I still find it incredible that something I had built up in my head to be a big scary goal could so quickly and expertly be broken into gentle steps taken with Fi beside me, letting me explore my fears but quietly nudging me on.
I’m not new to being coached, I’m a believer in its power but what is new for me is finding a coach who has met me at my quiet introverted level and guided me without making anything loud, extroverted or pumped up.
But the results I’ve achieved with Fi in a few short weeks have taken me further and farther than any of the expensive ‘’let’s take on the world, hollering and whooping” coaching I’ve tried far too many times to count. I loved those coaches but they haven’t led me to the results I hoped for.
Fi has helped me see that I’ve wanted to be a writer, probably all my life, a vision of quietly sitting pouring the words that filled my soul onto a page in the hope that someday they’d make a difference to someone. I don’t think I even understood that dream but with Fi’s help I’ve found the voice to quietly whisper ‘I am a writer’ and the belief grows day by day.
I didn’t start at 1:1 coaching, I think I started with her podcast, then an evening class or two, each time finding more value than I expected and finding myself wanting more of her time and wisdom. Even feedback has been so sensitively given that I no longer dread getting my word reviews back and now relish seeing Fi’s feedback. There’s deep wisdom there, she only reveals it slowly and I’m not sure she even understands herself how powerful and valuable her knowledge and experience are yet.
Fi is still my coach as I write this, I’m excited for what else I can accomplish with her as my guide. If your path hasn’t crossed with hers, I hope you’ll give her a try and see if she can help you achieve your dreams too.
However huge or humble your vision may be, Fi’s smart, supportive and surprisingly easy guidance may also take you from baby steps to dreams come true.
If you’re interested, here are some ways you can work with me.
