Since January 2022, I’ve been using spirituality as an antidote to the pathologizing of the female queer experience.
In a moment of reflection during Christmas break, while sitting in my parents’ house, I allowed myself to confront the truth about my sexual identity. It was a realisation that would ultimately explain the depression, anxiety, chronic pain, and sexual issues that had plagued me for years.
Coming Out & Navigating the Initial Pain
The path to self-discovery was not without its challenges, especially when it came to the initial pain of coming out as a lesbian.
While the full story is too raw for me to share at this moment, I found myself like a kid in a sandbox of possibilities, free to explore life without the constraints of a partner.
This newfound sense of wholeness sparked my curiosity and desire for self-experimentation.
Stepping into Change
As I contemplated the possibilities, my mind raced with both big and small changes I could make.
From moving to the seaside and starting a new career to getting a nose piercing and wearing waistcoats proudly (oh the joy of being a lesbian stereotype!) my journey of self-acceptance was filled with excitement and courage I didn’t know I had.
But there is no discomfort more dangerous than the one that comes from denying your own evolution.
It was a time of both joy and grief for what had come before. Grief for the marriage, for my wasted youth, and for the stability I had in the false life I had chosen to live.
I knew that navigating the post-coming-out bubble would require proactive mental health management. Triggers were everywhere, from wedding photographs to social media posts, and even TV shows we used to watch together.
To cope, I delved deep into self-help practices such as meditation, journaling, yoga, and tarot readings. Astrology, birth charts, and oracle cards became integral parts of my daily routine.
Integrating Authenticity into My Writing
Not everyone understood my choices, and I could see it in the faces of friends and relatives.
But there is no discomfort more dangerous than the one that comes from denying your own evolution.
I will no longer stunt my growth to please others. It it their own denial that comes to the surface when they judge me asserting my freedom to choose. They see in me what they are incapable of giving to themselves.
It limited my authentic expression to a small circle, reinforcing the belief that my whole self was not worthy of acceptance.
This isn’t a dig. Don’t get me wrong, I am angry; but not necessarily at the people who dismiss my choices. I’m angry at myself for tweaking my personality to fit in for so many years.
Integrating my newfound self into my work as a writer and course facilitator was a challenge. I realised that not everyone needed access to every facet of my life, but it felt wrong to compartmentalise my life into things that could and couldn’t be shared online.
I wanted desperately to protect my mental health, but it seemed like hiding parts of myself toed the line between safe and dangerous.
My personal brand, closely linked to my identity, has always played a significant role in my writing career and while it was tempting to keep certain aspects hidden, I believe that sharing the most genuine parts of myself is where my magic as a creative resides.
My Patreon Journey: Pros and Cons
To create a safe space for sharing my spiritual experiences, I started a Patreon.
This allowed me to write candidly about mystical experiences, tarot readings, and all that jazz. It provided regular writing practice and boosted my confidence in tarot. However, it came with guilt for withholding content from some subscribers and the pressure to cater to a small audience.
Why I Closed My Patreon
Running my Patreon was a safe but confining experience. It limited my authentic expression to a small circle, reinforcing the belief that my whole self was not worthy of acceptance.
Ultimately, I closed it to avoid perpetuating the divide between the sellable and the real me.
And while I know that there are people on the internet and in my real life will not accept me, will not see my choices as wise, my beliefs as appropriate …. I refuse to silence myself in order to maintain an outdated self-image for people who aren’t willing to witness my evolution.
It’s time to combine the two and be true to myself in every aspect of life.
Embracing my Full Self
In the end, Patreon brought financial gains, but for my personal circumstances, it raised questions about the cost of authenticity.
While Patreon can provide a private writing space, it demands significant time and effort for profitability. For me, the love of writing lies in self-expression shared with as many people as possible.
Good news: I’m in the process of copying all my Patreon blogs over to this website. Sign up for my newsletter to receive updates.
