I had been considering speaking to a doctor for weeks at this point; repeatedly lifting the phone to my ear, dialling the number and then slamming it down in protest, adamant that I’d be laughed out of the doctor’s office and told to stop being so dramatic.
I can’t remember exactly what tipped me over the edge and forced me to make the appointment, as a lot of it went by in a blur. I vaguely remember hiding in toilets at work, losing my temper with a team member over something incredibly insignificant and crying uncontrollably on the bus home every night.
Not exactly the behaviour you’d expect from a manager who is overseeing 4 supervisors, 20 team members and running several retail outlets and 2 departments simultaneously.
My brain couldn’t process the list into actions, and it was like I was trying to read hieroglyphics. There seemed like no good place to start. I didn’t want to start. I needed a break, but asking for it felt like a sign of weakness. I’d always got promoted on the basis of saying yes to more work and more responsibility. For a proud career woman like me, saying I couldn’t handle it felt shameful.
When the doctor heard my symptoms she very kindly suggested I take a few weeks off to recuperate and prescribed be some beta blockers as she thought I was having some anxiety issues. Being given that ‘permission’ by an authority figure was just what I had been looking for. I felt reassured.
There was certainly no talk of depression.
I left that day happy in the knowledge that I just needed some time to relax, gather my thoughts and was certain I’d get back to my career in no time at all with the support of my boss to help ease the workload. Just a short break.
From the doctor’s waiting room I stared out at the beautiful summer sky but all I could see was my desolate, pointless existence. Nothing mattered any more. The beta blockers were quickly swapped out for something new and a fresh sick line was scribbled, revealing the worst.
Patient is suffering from depression.
After 3 months off work I had exhausted the generous amount of sick pay allocated to me and I had to make a decision. I had tried going back to work a day here and there; the HR department were very accommodating and let me try a ‘phased return’ but doing my job seemed incomprehensible. How was I supposed to lead a team?
How could I adhere to health and safety standards, deliver award-winning customer service, and control a department budget when I could barely find the energy to take a shower everyday? How could I sit in meetings and listen to company objectives when in my head I was contemplating the very worst, every moment of every day? How could I performance manage staff when I couldn’t see the point in doing my own job?
I felt backed into a corner – not by my employer – but by my illness. My job required a certain level of attention that I physically was not capable of offering. So, I quit. I had spent 5 years in the industry; on my feet for 50+ hours a week, doing all the shitty jobs, late nights, early mornings, working for pennies, and finally I had landed the highest earning job of my career. I was in a desk job with sociable hours, stability and lifelong prospects. Then I lost it all. 
Through no fault of my own, all of a sudden had no ability to do the job I had worked so hard to secure. Even now – 4 years later – I feel totally incapable when it comes to the tasks I used to complete with ease. There is an entire skill set on my CV that I may as well just delete. I have the experience, but I believe I’ve lost the capacity.
I’m not trying to encourage people to quit their jobs as soon as they’re diagnosed with depression.Ā Not everyone will be affected the same way that I was. A lot of people find their job is the one constant in their lives during a depressive period, and it gives them comfort to focus on something other than their own mind. I just want to be completely honest about my experience and what I personally had to do to get better.
I feel angry that I had to lose my career to save my mental health. I feel like I had this enormous setback in life where all my hard work had been for nothing. This stupid illness came along and it took over my life. The honest truth is that it still does. I’m almost certain it’ll control me for the rest of my life. Is this the way it should be? Should we feel forced to be unemployed, unable to contribute to society because of our brain chemicals? Absolutely not, but it’s the situation many of us find ourselves in. Feeling overwhelmed? Take a look at my self-care tips for when you’re feeling depressed.
Today, I have no confidence in my ability as a manager. I’ve worked in middle management roles during my recovery (which is ongoing, by the way) and although I can do it, I seem to have a finite amount of energy for jobs involving leadership. It eventually takes its toll on me and I either have to quit, reduce my hours or hand over some responsibility to others. So unfortunately at the moment, I only feel capable of doing a job which as no responsibility and pays minimum wage. Some people would find this humiliating, and I did too at first. The alternative is to earn more money and compromise my future and I’m just not willing to go down that road again. Its simply not an option.
There’s a certain freedom that comes with working in a less pressured work environment. My job no longer defines who I am, but that’s a good thing. I’ve learned that it’s OK not to have the career I thought I once deserved. What I actually deserve is a healthy, happy, fulfilled existence.
My career did give me that for a while, but I couldn’t continue. Now I’m on the road to discover what else I can do, what else I can create, experience and give to others in order to get some sort of satisfaction whilst maintaining a balanced head. Having a less stressful job has given me the energy to explore the creative talents that I always thought I would pursue after university, but never did.
Creating content for my blog is one thing that I really look forward to doing. This thing came to exist because of me. Does it pay the bills? No. But I’ve learned stimulating my brain is incredibly important to my own well being; so if waitressing everyday allows me the opportunity to share my thoughts on here the rest of the time, then I think their are worse things I could be doing, don’t you?
WoW
I had to wait a year before i cut myself to stop being angry and calm down. Yeah it was stupid i know and admit it
Now im signed of for a week possibly more (i will know today). But my work needs to assess me before i return as well
Iām only nineteen years old and I just quit my job as a receptionist that I had for only 3 months because i couldnāt handle it. Iāve worked in customer service since the day I turned sixteen In a job where i feared for my safety many times by grown adults and customers who would at times try to physically hurt me. I feel that I was a different person before I started working and I wish I never did start. Now Iām extremely afraid of people for even the smallest reasons. Iām in school for business but I am scared to have a career and ever work again. Thank you for posting this I would really consider seeing a therapist if Only it wasnāt so expensive
I did the same thing in 2017. It was a high pressured research job with too many deadlines. I was getting depressed plus I didn’t like the job. Afterwards, I found a less pressured job where I was happy and I could spend more time on my hobbies. It’s ok to choose less pressured job for our mental health. If we are earning too much but are depressed even after the working hours, then what’s the point of earning huge money?
Thank you so much for writing this. I am currently suffering from tremendous anxiety and im new to the workforce. It has been impeding my work performance and though I’ve always been a great employee, I have not been doing well with my job to a point where I have to decide to quit for my own well being at this time. I feel lost currently too, not really sure where to go next. I always put alot of pride on my career,i guess I’ve realized that there’s more to life than this. Feeling truly fulfilled physically and mentally and finding what can elicit that is so much more important. Thank you for speaking about a healthy,happy
and fulfilled existence. I think i really needed to hear and realize this.
Thank you so much for this. I recently received my diagnosis, after five years of living with undiagnosed Panic Disorder and PTSD, and one thing I realized is that there is no way I can go back to the 9-5 world. I can’t imagine what would happen trying to call in due to panic attack or severe depression, and although nobody notices when I’m having these experiences, I certainly do. Great blog š
It’s not fair is it? Hopefully in the future mental health issues will be recognised by employers as serious conditions and flexibility will be granted when it comes to time off, personal days, etc. I hope your recovery is on track, sending you lots of love xx
Iām only nineteen years old and I just quit my job as a receptionist that I had for only 3 months because i couldnāt handle it. Iāve worked in customer service since the day I turned sixteen In a job where i feared for my safety many times by grown adults and customers who would at times try to physically hurt me. I feel that I was a different person before I started working and I wish I never did start. Now Iām extremely afraid of people for even the smallest reasons. Iām in school for business but I am scared to have a career and ever work again. Thank you for posting this I would really consider seeing a therapist if Only it wasnāt so expensive
Thank you.
Here I am at 28, the peak of my career in sales, salary, lots of responsibility, Iām proud but Iām miserable. My anxiety is through the roof, and my PTSD is causing panic attacks more than once a week. My partner thinks we just work our asses off so we can retire, but Iām feeling like I need a job that isnāt customer facing. Iād like to prioritize my mental health and find a job that is in landscaping, something quiet, hell Iāve even debated a cemetery position. Just reading the duties relaxed me. Iām coming to terms that I may never be the career woman people think I am, I may be happier making less money, getting to be in the quiet of trade work. Thanks for making me feel not alone.
It is incredible to me that the community college that you worked for let you go. I doubt that it is very often that candidates of your caliber are offered to them. Wasn t ready to do nothing, but came back to a world I no longer knew and had to find my place in it. It took a while, but I have found a place to use all those skills I acquired on the journey to now.
Hope your doing well today. I’ve been there.
Man this touched home.. Im in this very same position as you’ve described.. I can’t find the courage to quit my job and foces on myself yet but I’m getting there..
I’m sorry to hear that. I wish I’d realised earlier that I wasn’t coping but sometimes it hard to see when you need help. I hope you find a new job soon
Im there after 13 yrs & 3 yrs from retirement. Dont think I can make it the 3 more years. Also, having been a widow before, Im worried that my current husband will die before I can retire & live what time we have together. I dont want to retire just to be alone the rest of my life….just tired of the rat race.
“Iāve learned that itās OK not to have the career I thought I once deserved. What I actually deserve is a healthy, happy, fulfilled existence.” LOVE. LOVE. LOVE
Yay! We all deserve that donāt we?
I can really relate to this. I am a certified welder but after four years of working in a male dominated workplace, it has taken an unexpected toll on me. I have always struggled with depression and been able to avoid triggers without taking medication and keeping it at bay but not this time.
It has been two months since I have gone to work and in that time I have gotten my mental health under control. I started going to yoga on the regular- it is the best therapy. I quit smoking and I even quit drinking. (Smoking is my biggest demon. I thought it would be in my best interest to be sober curious and so far it feels great!). I am continuing to look for another job in welding and that has been difficult because even though it is 2020, a lot of companies still do not want to hire a woman to fill that position. If they do, they hold you to a higher bar. Anyways, thank you for your blog. It is always nice to know your not alone in hard times and to know that our jobs do not define us.
Hi Hayley, Iām so sorry youāre going through this! You should be so proud of yourself for taking all those steps to get better youāre doing so well. Good luck with the job hunt x
I am going through something very similar. I was overloaded with work and wasn’t able to cope up and then had to quit. Thankfully, I had another job in hand. Two months into the new job, I keep on thinking about the new and good things happening to my previous collegeous. I know it’s not healthy and I should be happy being in a less stressful environment but I can’t stop thinking and feeling jealous. All my hard work went to one of the peers and I feel dejected to see that I worked so hard to get nothing back. Any suggestions on how to stop such kind of thinking.
I think youāve got to acknowledge that if youād stayed in that job, you wouldnāt be able to enjoy all the āgoodā things that your colleague is experiencing. Itās also worth remembering that they have taken on the stressful parts as well as the exciting parts. Your experience would never be they same as theirs, which is why youāre better off on your own path which suits your needs. Youāve made he best decision for your health and thatās something to be very proud of! X
It’s been three years since I moved out of the stressful environment. I have left lost during this time as my job switches didn’t work that well. But I am definitely in a less stressful, more manageable and healthy environment now. As you said, my job no longer defines my identity and I had so much personal growth during these years. Initially, I think I was so workalcoholic that I didn’t knew what I should do with the time I had on hand. But as time passed, I explored so many new things which I wouldnt have otherwise. Although I have stepped down from my earlier leadership roles and that hits my job satisfaction but I think there’s a lesson I had to learn to know when to slow down. This post of yours has been always close to my heart as it provides me comfort that I am not the only one out there and otherwise have had similar journeys and have gotten unstuck and figured out a way.
I feel like you’re telling my story word for word pretty much. I’m coming up for my 3rd month off and can’t see a way back anytime soon. I received a phone call from head office earlier today which I couldn’t answer and it sent me into a complete downward spiral. I’m beginning to think I’m not going to be able to go back as it’s work that seems to send me over the edge the most. I do have great medical support but it’s a slow recovery process and I’ve got to learn to manage my thoughts and feelings. Your story has helped make me think it’s OK and it’s not the end of the world if I don’t manage to go back. Good luck with your continuing recovery.
Hi Jo, thanks for reading. Itās a possibility that you might not go back to work, but only you can make that decision. Someone once reminded me that it took years for me to get into a bad state of mind, so it certainly wouldnāt correct itself in a matter of weeks or even months. The path to recovery can be long, but itās rewarding and I believe youāll come out the other side having learned more about what keeps you balanced and happy. Iām so glad to hear youāre getting some medical support xxx
Really interesting and good to read this. I recently quit my job as an aid worker in refugee camps and am feeling totally pointless and unemployable in ānormalā society. Itās so hard to find whatās right. I too have been plagued by imposter syndrome (still am) and cannot overstate the impact itās had. Congrats for doing all you have and are continuing to do. I hope to find a similar path one day.
Hello, I see the blog was written a year ago but felt I wanted to comment, donāt know if anyone will get this?
I also walked away from a 15 year career; and whilst it still isnāt easy for many reasons, it absolutely feels right. This is the next chapter.
Depression to me is a mood, something that can be changed when the right decisions are made. I think we feel depressed right before we make a life changing decision that has been calling for a while, it could also be termed a confused and lost stage.
We need a meaningful life and genuine, close relationships, any step towards either will help a person out of the hole.
I think if we are living the life we want or working towards that it is unlikely we will feel depressed.
Depression is also a state of mind and it is often a shift / a mental adjustment / reframing the experience that ends it.
We need to understand what it is about me that got me to this place and how can I help myself when it happens.
Of course being committed to self improvement and self care helps no end.
Andy
Wow. Your text just got me. I thought I was the only one quitting the job because I couldn’t handle the stress, pressure and workload anymore. After being sick on and off for almost half a year I finally had a talk with my supervisors last november when I told them I cannot go any further. It was a very hard decision because I loved my job and I worked really hard to get my PhD and that position but I didn’t want to jeopardize my life and health. I still don’t know what to do with my life now. But I hope I will get better soon and find a new job.
We’ve been on a similar journey Fiona. I have been a senior leader in a challenging and dynamic world for 20 years. I’ve done well and I feel I’ve impacted hundreds of people with my energy and enthusiasm for something I loved – Hospitality. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to offer my mind the space and belonging it needs and I lost everything in my life after suffering a full on breakdown. I’m fighting back and right now I’m in a positive place working on some exciting new ideas for my future. I’ve lost my career, my house, my possessions, my dad, almost my kids, my partner, my car and most significantly any hope and belief that I’m worthy of existing.However, I can now step back from the edge and I’m making changes. I’m on my way to a happier place and I’m keen to help others in future too. I felt so stupid and a failure. I’m not… I’m too strong to let my boys down and this is going to be a new chapter. Love your writing. D PS #keepfighting
I was hospitalized and diagnosed with Bipolar 2 at age 51. It was the beginning of the end of employment.
Over the next two years I worked part time before taking a job as an accounts payable person. Eventually, I quit that job because off depression and stress.
My husband died unexpectedly and I returned to my hometown. He had some life insurance so I wasn’t pressured to get a job right away. T
The problem was I didn’t interview well and my resume didn’t garner any interest. I finally got a customer service position that was the most demoralizing job I ever had. I finally quit on the advice of my psychiatric nurse practitioner.
I was actually considering suicide when a friend in AA helped me fill out the paperwork for Social Security Disability. I received my first check 3 months later.
My income qualified me for Medicaid and I also have a rent subsidized apartment. For the first time, I am able to receive the psychiatric treatment and psychological counseling I need.
If someone asks what I do, I tell them I took early retirement. I also have two volunteer positions which allow me to “pay back” for the Medicaid and subsidized rent.
I do hope to figure out how to generate additional income in the future.
Thank you for this. Like many others, I can closely relate to your experience. I recently walked away from a management job that had taken me over 10 years of ladder-climbing to get to, but that ultimately caused me to burn out. I’m just starting to take steps towards the āhealthy, happy, fulfilled existence” that you talk about. It was hard to let go of my professional identity, but I honestly feel like I’m moving towards something better and healthier now. I really appreciate your perspective.
I totally get what you mean. Youāll feel better in the long run even though it feels hard just now xx
Hi
This is a brilliant article, I had a burnout at work recently, in a well paid job, however like yourself donāt feel I can problem solve any longer, and feel for my own sanity I want a job with no responsibility, which means of course a pay decrease.
However, you are right, health must come first! Your article has helped me make a difficult decision.
Thank You.
This definitely hit me. Hereās to hoping thereās more out there for me.
Thanks for writing this, I feel like you were telling my story. When I became ill 9 years ago, I did my best to return to work properly but my confidence never returned. Last month I finally left my 17 year career for good, to focus on mental health writing. I finally have a passion back.
I really needed this today. I have PTSD and I am a RN, I had to step out of the hospital setting a year ago and have tried to go in to a different field of nursing however today it has reached a point where I need to step back from my 7 years as a nurse and 10 years of medical entirely. I am so angry and embarrassed I canāt cope with stress or function at my best at work. I am on leave today because of it and my employer is super understanding however I just feel ashamed. My identity has been in being a successful nurse and now what? I have an idea for a business but when you donāt work how to finance it? Idk today has been a bummer and I really appreciate your honesty in writing this and just so you know, itās helped me today. Thank you!
This rings so many bells with me. I went through something very similar.
Last year I changed my job as a manager of 11 people working all the hours under the sun. Clocking up an additional 55 hours a month. In addition working some weekends (overtime).
Now I have a 9-5 job with no staff to manage and taking home Ā£400 per month less than before.
Money is tight but manageable.
I see a counsellor once a week and I’m working on getting better. I am so much better off now than I was in my previous job.
You have done an amazing job of putting yourself first. I applaud you for that.
Stay strong
Xx
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Hi thanks for posting i just left studdnt nursing despite it being my “purpose” due to on going mental health issues and wanting to avoid a very very dark spiral that has happened before. If we don’t have our health we have nothing and its important for me to work on rediscovering sense of self outside of work
This gives me hope
Thank you. I really needed to read these words.
Eight years at my current technical support role. I feel physically ill most days having to listen to all the complaints. Some people aren’t happy until they have sucked you dry of every emotion.Hearing the same thing over and over in the headset and repeating the same thing. I don’t know how I do it when I’m depressed. “Pretending to be happy”, is painful.
Wow I know this is an old post, but I am currently in the same situation. Working in a restaurant job after having a professional office job. I couldn’t handle the pressure. Not saying that restaurants are easy jobs, but they are less emotionally taxing somehow. It’s embarrassing that with my education, I am where I am, but I have to manage my mental illness. Thanks for this post.
Do what you gotta do man. Thatās so good that you find it less taxing, thatās a positive so no need to be ashamed of that. Take your time
Thank you so much for your post. I’ve been off work for almost a year, have run out of sick leave, but I just can’t go back to my job – there’s just no way, because I’ve been admitted to hospital twice in 12 months with severe depression and severe anxiety. I’m absolutely desperate to work, but I if I retrain, I’ll be in debt, and I’m not qualified to do anything else – I’m absolutely lost, and under the care of both a psychologist and psychiatrist, and feeling worthless and useless. It takes everything I have not to cry in front of my family. I can see so many people out there are going through similar issues, so at least I don’t feel so alone.
Thank you for sharing this.
I’ve lived on my own for 10 years and I managed it, despite (unknowingly) already having symptoms of depression.
I also managed to get an office job 4 years ago, which I did good and earned a promotion.
But since last year I found myself no longer able to manage, both living alone and doing my job,
even though I’ve done it for so many years,
even though I’m getting help from mental health professional.
Now I’m back at my parents.
I will have one week leave from work.
Then I will think.
Resign and rest for a few months is one of the options I’m considering, and thankfully I can afford.
But it’s scary.
Thank you for the perspective.
Thank you for this courageous entry. I came across it as I am currently in a similar position of burnout and have quit my job/profession. But I do need a paycheck as I am a caregiver. I have been an RN for 20 years and now I am burnt out and can’t go back. In my particular location there aren’t other opportunities except for bedside. I need to look for something like a job at a coffee shop or something like that but I don’t know what to say or write on a resume. If I erase the last 20 years of work/school experience from my resume there will be nothing left. If I leave my nursing credentials on the resume I will be too overqualified for any work. I really need some suggestions here and I hope some of you can offer me some. Thanks!
Your compassion and care will also be valued in service, along with the ability to listen and learn quickly. You have also shown when you commit to something you will stay the course. I would be honest and say you are ready for a break from nursing, maybe even a career change all together, but that you would like to always continue to work with people, in role that is hands on and practical. Do you like cake? Then say so, being enthusiastic about food and ingredients and where they come from might be some common ground that you can share with your employer. Lots of people leave the NHS, I did 15 years, sadly, it is no longer the life long job it once was, because folk get burned out. You are taking some time to redress the balance and work out what is important to you moving forwards. Most coffee shop and restaurant owners that have been trading a long time, understand fully that most people use these jobs as stepping stones, they are of course delighted to find staff that are great that want to stay but this is rare. As long as you are polite, can make the interviewer laugh a little and appear well presented, if the job is advertised then you will get it. They tend to give most people that pass at these things ‘a go’.
Its not anxiety or fear for me or even depression
Its just irritation.
Irritation of the human. I have been in customer service for over 10 years. The superiors, the customers, the coworkers. They are ALL the same. Toxic. Petty. Selfish. Prone to tantrums. I have gained so much weight over these years bc of customer service. I am prone to depression and this job does not help at all. I hate dealing with people and their messes, their unnecessary attitudes. You get more antagonists then pleasant callers. I hate this industry so much and looking for a way out
I was forced to make this decision more than once because of PTSD and depression. I left the military because the environment I was stuck in was a toxic nightmare. I found my way to patient advocacy for Veterans and I felt like Iād come full-circle! But after almost 12 years, I realized I was worthy of a healthy and fulfilling life. I really appreciate how you describe the experience of moving forward in acceptance. The experience and the illness alters our capacity, but it also makes us pay attention to what truly matters.
Hey there. Came across this blogpost when I was googling on whether I should quit my job for mental health. Feels really heart-warming to know that there is someone out there who experienced similar.
I am 31, suffering from mixed anxiety and depression disorder and diagnosed with panic disorder as well few days ago. I was working in the architectural field and have gained my professional qualifications 2 years ago. But ever since then I have been facing tremendous work pressure, and getting breakdowns very often. In two years I have tried three jobs, and I’m thinking of quitting my current one as I can’t take it anymore due to the frequent number of panic attacks im getting lately.
I have been feeling very hopeless and shameful that I cannot hold down a job for long. But reading your sharing inspired me a bit. I really like how you use the phrase “save my mental health”, ive never looked at my illness this way. I often think that maybe if I push through a little bit more, things could work out. But maybe the only solution is to save myself from the pain.
I still don’t know my way forward. hopefully i can find a way out. Thank you for your words anyways š
Love, Dawn