by Fiona likes to blog | Nov 4, 2016 | LIFE
I’m a crier.
I like a good sob, normally in private and more than likely about things that are really not important.
I’ve been known to weep uncontrollably when I’ve fucked up my make up, when the bag splits on the way home from the shops and when my parents’ dog ate £100 straight out of my handbag. I know you probably think I made that last one up but I can assure you I really didn’t.
The thing with me is that I tend to sit on my emotions. I’ll let thoughts get trapped in my head, they wear away at me and grind me down for days or weeks until they finally surface in the most unexpected manner. I regularly find myself in the ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ scenario, whereby it only takes something small and seemingly meaningless to send me into a fit of rage followed by the waterworks explosion. I can cry that sickening way, when you feel like you might hurl because you have so much sadness bubbling over and you just have to get it out.
The great news is that I normally feel better after a good old strop and a tear-fest. No matter what has pushed me to boiling point, my mind is clearly in need of some sort of release – so it finds its own way of getting it. It sounds like I’m a dramatic person (OK maybe I am at times) but I only have these little tantrums because I’ve remained so calm and collected on the surface for so long. I have been in that situation long term and it seriously isn’t good for your health. I’m trying to work on keeping my mind relaxed and de-cluttered but it’s a work in progress.
My advice is to cry when you need you. Even when it seems unreasonable, even when you can’t explain what you’re upset about; cry away and you’ll feel so much better in the long run.
by Fiona likes to blog | Oct 19, 2016 | BODY POSITIVITY, FOOD, LIFE
I’m done with dieting.
I’ve been on a diet for the last ten years and I’m so exhausted from it all. I got thin. Now I’m a bit chubby. Life goes on. There are so many worries in the world that I don’t have the will power to count calories and fight cravings any more. I’m free.
The hard truth is that it’s not that easy to free yourself from dieting. I’ve trained my brain to see foods in a certain light, to view exercise as punishment and to see clothes size as a way to categorise beauty. I was a serial dieter for such a long time, and looking back now the habits that I formed were very strange indeed. I know I’m not alone either; because magazines, books and slimming clubs everywhere have created little subcultures of calorie-counting women who all practice similar behaviours. Here is a humorous look at the things that only a serial dieter will understand…
1.Buying two miniature bottles of wine instead of one full sized bottle because it’s the only way you can exert self-control on a Friday night. This almost always results in a late night dash to the corner shop for a full size bottle after consuming said miniatures. Cue hangover.
2. Eating only vegetables throughout the day so that you can eat a very specific amount of cheese later on. This means being hungry all day as well as bloated and gassy from all the vegetables. At least you get your romantic moment with 40g of cheddar.
3. Spending money on diet magazines because you need ‘motivation’. You may also seek so-called ‘motivation’ from buying clothes that are too small in order to give you something to work towards. This never works.
4. Buying branded diet ready meals to make life easier when you’d rather eat a piece of cardboard smothered in peanut butter. The ready meal will undoubtedly be chucked in the bin in favour of some Warburtons Thins which are equally as disappointing.
5. Knowing the exact number of calories in a tablespoon of peanut butter and knowing that you could never just have one. Smirking with glee when you see the peanut butter sachets now available and shamelessly licking the packet clean on several occasions.
6. The obsession with stocking up on things that are labelled 100 calories or less. Muller Light Yoghurts and Special K Bars are your favourite, and your blood sugar levels are being carefully controlled hour by hour by these bad boys.
7. Living on diet drinks and espressos in between meals to distract from hunger pangs and keep your energy up. This leads to the odd migraine but you find more caffeine tends to sort that out in a jiffy.
8. How exciting it is when you’re going out for dinner, and you find that the restaurant’s website provides calorie information for every meal they sell. Obviously you can’t eat a full meal, but an interesting combination of two starters and a side salad with no dressing should just about suffice. Then a good long sniff of your friend’s chocolate pudding.
9. Refusing to buy clothes from H&M because their sizes come up small and you KNOW you’re no bigger than an 18. New Look are more forgiving so let’s stick with them.
10. Looking in the mirror and thinking you look pretty good today, only to have a rude awakening when you step on the scales to find that you weigh exactly the same as yesterday. How can this be? The detox starts today.
All joking aside, isn’t it time we all started forgetting about the calories in our food and instead concentrated on nutrition? Shouldn’t be be eating fatty avocados and avoiding sugary cereal bars? Isn’t it obvious that ‘diet’ foods are often void of the amount of energy we need to sustain a healthy lifestyle?
In fact, the low calorie plans most of us try to stick to are destined for failure from the outset. Maybe not instant failure, but inevitably these crash diets are unrealistic for most people. Let’s all rejoice in the fact that we live in a part of the world where we actually have enough food to eat, and work on retraining our brains to pick the best of the bunch.
What’s your worst ‘dieting’ habit?
by Fiona likes to blog | Oct 15, 2016 | ANXIETY, LIFE
I had two bad days this week. Sweaty palms, a huge knot in my stomach and shortness of breath were just a few of the symptoms that followed me around whilst I tried to appear normal to the rest of the world. I try not to bother people with my anxiety when it crops up; firstly because there’s not much anyone can say to make it go away and secondly because I don’t like drawing attention to myself. I guess I should work on that.
I did overcome one fear this week though; I went to my first blogging event on a day where my anxiety was really bad. Seems impossible right? It was all down to making some new friends, something I never thought I would be able to do since I started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks a few years ago. Here’s how I did it…
Make a few close friends
The biggest thing that helped me get through those few hours of socialising with strangers was already knowing a few people attending. It meant I didn’t have to turn up on my own or find anyone to talk to! If you’d asked me six months ago what I was most looking forward to about moving to Birmingham the last thing on my list would have been making new friends.
For me, going out and meeting new people is like asking someone with a fear of spiders to go on “I’m a Celebrity” and eat bugs in return for their dinner. I would rather just go hungry. It’s something I’ve feared so greatly for over four years now, that I can’t quite believe I’ve built my own little circle of friends all on my own. I only have a handful of friends but I personally think that’s better because I can explain my mental health problems better in a small group, which is means everyone is aware of when I’m not feeling 100%.
Use social media
I didn’t have a clue how to even start meeting new people, and to be honest it wasn’t something I was planning on doing straight away. My main focus when I moved to the city was to find a job and work on my blog. I found a job within two weeks and started building my Twitter followers to get more blog traffic. Whilst I had some extra time on my hands I followed every Birmingham Twitter group I could find (Brum Bloggers, Brum Hour, etc) and got talking to other followers.
I noticed a few other bloggers tweeting things like “I’ve just moved to Birmingham and I don’t know anyone” and felt compelled to speak to them, even though it made me really nervous. Leaving the comfort of Scotland where my friends and family were always on call meant for the first time in my life my loneliness outweighed my anxiety, so I reached out to a few girls in a similar position.
My advice to anyone looking to make friends on Twitter would be to make as many connections online as possible, and don’t think about the actual real life meeting until it happens. I talk to lots of people online that I’ll probably never meet in person, so I just enjoy the conversation for what it is; a brief meeting of minds over a funny GIF or a relatable comment. Over time you’ll strengthen some friendships and these are the people you should meet in real life. The girls I met on Twitter actually talk more to each other via text than we do online, I think that’s a good thing because it feels more genuine.
Be honest
This one is hard, because it can be really scary to tell people you’ve just met that you have mental health problems. I urge you to mention to at least one of your new acquaintances that you have some anxiety issues, so that they understand if you flake out last minute or don’t seem your usual self once in a while. In fact, social media is perfect for this because you can tell them about it – in as much or as little detail as you desire – via direct message instead of actually having to go through the horror or mumbling the words out loud. Go on, be brave. It’s so worth it.
Have you struggled to meet new friends because of social anxiety?
by Fiona likes to blog | Oct 2, 2016 | LIFE
People are going to say I’m a liar, so let’s get that out of the way first of all.
Technically, I’m not actually 30 years old yet; but I feel like I’ve been mentally preparing myself for the big three-oh so much that it’s like I’m there. In my head I’ve already blown out the candles on the cake. I’m no longer a twenty-something, so as blogging categories go I’ve bumped myself up to a higher grade. With that said, I consider myself to be a writer of the ’30 plus’ variety. A rare breed of online influencers who are grossly underestimated, but steadily growing in numbers.
I started blogging when I was about 26. Zoella, Anna and Fleur were all rising stars at the time and I was certainly interested in what they had to say about budget beauty, hair and fashion – for a while. After a year or so of trying to emulate their success with a few basic ’empties’ posts and ‘make-up favourites’ I realised I was too old for that stuff. Obviously I still wear make up, buy clothes and drag a brush through my hair now and again (I’m not an animal) but the subject matter doesn’t thrill me from a writer’s perspective. I have no authority on the subject for a start so I knew there was no longevity in it for me. I was flogging a dead horse when there were plenty of other perfectly preened – and very much alive – horses on the market. There are plenty of 30 plus bloggers who have found their niche in the fashion/beauty world (e.g. Mikhila, Emma and Becky) but I’m comfortable enough in my own skin to say that its not my forte. These ladies are doing a fabulous job on their own.
It seemed to me that young women were idolising the likes of The Kardashians and Beyonce. They wanted to know how obtain the perfect make up, hair, interiors and style that clearly takes a small army to create but appears totally effortless from the outside. When I stared to blog I was unemployed due to ill health so I couldn’t afford to live that lifestyle, never mind advise others on how to do it too. I had spent most of my adult life focused on my career, enjoying a long term relationship and was looking forward to getting married and buying a house. I was approaching 30 and my priorities were so incredibly different to the ‘popular’ bloggers out there, that I wasn’t sure if I should even try to make my mark in the blogging community. I assumed my words would be lost in the ocean of lovely ladies who were punting the latest PR samples whilst I babbled on about nothing important.
I started writing about food and fitness because I was basically obsessed with being thin. I also love exercise, so am glad I’ve used the internet to spread that message to people who think working out has to be boring and torturous in equal measure. Now that I’m less meticulous about my diet and exercise regime I talk more about mental health and body positivity. I believe blogging should be flexible, we shouldn’t feel forced to find a ‘niche’. It’s our notepad where we can scribble down ideas and then hold it up to the world.
The great thing about blogging at my age is that I’ve been on this earth for a little longer than my teenage counterparts. I can’t share their excitement for the new Kylie lip kits, but I can offer some insight into being married, losing weight, gaining weight, anxiety, depression and important life decisions like having babies. My content isn’t aspirational but it’s wholly relatable, and I think that’s what gives us 30 plus girls the edge. I’m more confident now in my own opinions than I was 10 years ago. I’ve spent a lot of time self-reflecting to the point where I know myself better now than I ever have. I procrastinate less. I really don’t worry what anyone else thinks. This is my time!
Do I feel under-represented in the blogging community? Absolutely.
Although I’ve already mentioned a few of my favourite 30+ bloggers, I wouldn’t say I’m overwhelmed with choice. I’m not sure if this is because these women aren’t promoting themselves enough, or if they aren’t being celebrated because of their age. All I know is that their voices are important to me. What they have to say is still relevant and I hope to find more bloggers through simply sharing this blog post. If you’re thinking about starting a blog, or you already have one and you feel like what you have to say is boring, I beg you to reconsider.
If you’re looking for content that resonates with you and you can’t find it – create it yourself. Be it beauty, fashion, crafts, knitting or whatever the hell tickles your fancy; together we can show the world that our seemingly boring lives have meaning and we can start a worthwhile conversation online with like-minded women.
Are you a 30+ blogger? Share your blog in the comments below!
by Fiona likes to blog | Sep 27, 2016 | DEPRESSION, LIFE
“Do you want a sick line?” the doctor asked me, and as she did so I breathed a sigh of relief.
I had been considering speaking to a doctor for weeks at this point; repeatedly lifting the phone to my ear, dialling the number and then slamming it down in protest, adamant that I’d be laughed out of the doctor’s office and told to stop being so dramatic.
I can’t remember exactly what tipped me over the edge and forced me to make the appointment, as a lot of it went by in a blur. I vaguely remember hiding in toilets at work, losing my temper with a team member over something incredibly insignificant and crying uncontrollably on the bus home every night.
Not exactly the behaviour you’d expect from a manager who is overseeing 4 supervisors, 20 team members and running several retail outlets and 2 departments simultaneously.
I knew I was stressed. My workload had increased dramatically over the 6 months leading up to this and I was feeling troubled following the death of a grandparent. I knew I wasn’t
coping very well. I remember looking at my ‘to-do’ list and thinking that it was too overwhelming.
My brain couldn’t process the list into actions, and it was like I was trying to read hieroglyphics. There seemed like no good place to start. I didn’t want to start. I needed a break, but asking for it felt like a sign of weakness. I’d always got promoted on the basis of saying yes to more work and more responsibility. For a proud career woman like me, saying I couldn’t handle it felt shameful.
When the doctor heard my symptoms she very kindly suggested I take a few weeks off to recuperate and prescribed be some beta blockers as she thought I was having some anxiety issues. Being given that ‘permission’ by an authority figure was just what I had been looking for. I felt reassured.
There was certainly no talk of depression.
I left that day happy in the knowledge that I just needed some time to relax, gather my thoughts and was certain I’d get back to my career in no time at all with the support of my boss to help ease the workload. Just a short break.
After a week, having given my mind and body the rest it had been silently screaming for I was suddenly overcome with the feeling of hopelessness. Darkness. The kind that feels like a dense, damp storm cloud enveloping your whole body to the point of suffocation.
From the doctor’s waiting room I stared out at the beautiful summer sky but all I could see was my desolate, pointless existence. Nothing mattered any more. The beta blockers were quickly swapped out for something new and a fresh sick line was scribbled, revealing the worst.
Patient is suffering from depression.
After 3 months off work I had exhausted the generous amount of sick pay allocated to me and I had to make a decision. I had tried going back to work a day here and there; the HR department were very accommodating and let me try a ‘phased return’ but doing my job seemed incomprehensible. How was I supposed to lead a team?
How could I adhere to health and safety standards, deliver award-winning customer service, and control a department budget when I could barely find the energy to take a shower everyday? How could I sit in meetings and listen to company objectives when in my head I was contemplating the very worst, every moment of every day? How could I performance manage staff when I couldn’t see the point in doing my own job?
I felt backed into a corner – not by my employer – but by my illness. My job required a certain level of attention that I physically was not capable of offering. So, I quit. I had spent 5 years in the industry; on my feet for 50+ hours a week, doing all the shitty jobs, late nights, early mornings, working for pennies, and finally I had landed the highest earning job of my career. I was in a desk job with sociable hours, stability and lifelong prospects. Then I lost it all. 
Through no fault of my own, all of a sudden had no ability to do the job I had worked so hard to secure. Even now – 4 years later – I feel totally incapable when it comes to the tasks I used to complete with ease. There is an entire skill set on my CV that I may as well just delete. I have the experience, but I believe I’ve lost the capacity.
I’m not trying to encourage people to quit their jobs as soon as they’re diagnosed with depression. Not everyone will be affected the same way that I was. A lot of people find their job is the one constant in their lives during a depressive period, and it gives them comfort to focus on something other than their own mind. I just want to be completely honest about my experience and what I personally had to do to get better.
I feel angry that I had to lose my career to save my mental health. I feel like I had this enormous setback in life where all my hard work had been for nothing. This stupid illness came along and it took over my life. The honest truth is that it still does. I’m almost certain it’ll control me for the rest of my life. Is this the way it should be? Should we feel forced to be unemployed, unable to contribute to society because of our brain chemicals? Absolutely not, but it’s the situation many of us find ourselves in. Feeling overwhelmed? Take a look at my self-care tips for when you’re feeling depressed.
Today, I have no confidence in my ability as a manager. I’ve worked in middle management roles during my recovery (which is ongoing, by the way) and although I can do it, I seem to have a finite amount of energy for jobs involving leadership. It eventually takes its toll on me and I either have to quit, reduce my hours or hand over some responsibility to others. So unfortunately at the moment, I only feel capable of doing a job which as no responsibility and pays minimum wage. Some people would find this humiliating, and I did too at first. The alternative is to earn more money and compromise my future and I’m just not willing to go down that road again. Its simply not an option.
There’s a certain freedom that comes with working in a less pressured work environment. My job no longer defines who I am, but that’s a good thing. I’ve learned that it’s OK not to have the career I thought I once deserved. What I actually deserve is a healthy, happy, fulfilled existence.
My career did give me that for a while, but I couldn’t continue. Now I’m on the road to discover what else I can do, what else I can create, experience and give to others in order to get some sort of satisfaction whilst maintaining a balanced head. Having a less stressful job has given me the energy to explore the creative talents that I always thought I would pursue after university, but never did.
Creating content for my blog is one thing that I really look forward to doing. This thing came to exist because of me. Does it pay the bills? No. But I’ve learned stimulating my brain is incredibly important to my own well being; so if waitressing everyday allows me the opportunity to share my thoughts on here the rest of the time, then I think their are worse things I could be doing, don’t you?
by Fiona likes to blog | Sep 23, 2016 | DEPRESSION, LIFE
Now is the perfect time for me to get pregnant.
I’ve been with my partner for almost 12 years, we got married in 2015, we just moved to a new city where he’s got a good job and I work part time. Apart from owning our own house, we are in a good state of affairs at the moment. I’m turning 30 in December. If I haven’t got a bun in the oven in the next six months then when will I? That’s the burning question on everyone’s lips.
OK the truth is, no one actually cares that I haven’t had a baby yet. None of my friends have mentioned it, my parents are silent on the matter and my husband – like me – is more or less certain (never say never, right?) that he doesn’t want kids either. I don’t want a baby. So why do I feel obliged to have one? I can’t stop thinking that I should want one. Am I crazy?
I was brought up as the middle child and only girl in a happy family. Looking back I’m certain I was a normal kid. Nothing unusual happened that I could possibly blame for my strange fear of having babies. I played with dolls, wrapped them up in blankets and soothed their cries. I stroked their shiny little heads and held them tight to keep them warm. As I got older I cut my Barbie’s hair, changed her outfit and sent her off on her first date with Ken in the hope of starting a family in their wooden doll house that resided at the end of my bed.
The notion of a family is something I am 100% comfortable with. I love having siblings, I’m close to my parents and I understand the importance of having a loving support network. But for as long as I can remember, whenever anyone asked me about having children I’ve always been confident in my answer. Thanks, but no thanks.
Throughout my life everyone has told me in a very patronising manner that I will change my mind. I’ve never really questioned myself on the subject, it’s always been something I’ve been so certain about. But in the past year or so, I’ve been starting to wonder. Every other female on the planet seems to have this motherly urge bursting out of them but I can’t seem to identify it within myself no matter how hard I try.
There’s no denying that my age is playing a part in this ‘pressure’ that I’ve started to put on myself. In fact it’s not even really pressure. I just feel so acutely aware that my body is primed to do this thing, and if I don’t do it soon I might miss my chance. I’m turning 30 at the end of the year and although I’ve always been adamant that I don’t want to have any children, I suppose I always knew I could try if I ever changed my mind.
Assuming I’m able to physically have children, then I’ve always known I could do it if my heart desired. When you’re young you forget that there is a bit of a time limit on the task though. You think you have all this time to decide, but I feel like the window is getting smaller. I know there are plenty of women over 30 experiencing happy pregnancies and giving birth to healthy babies but for me, now is the time where I need to start thinking seriously about what I want and planning for the future. What do I really want?
I find as a woman I’m generally expected to do one of two things; have a career or have a baby. Since I’ve concluded quite firmly (kind of) that I don’t want a baby then I should be focusing on my career, right? Well, how about no. If I don’t need a baby to complete me then I certainly don’t need a job to do the same.
I’ve spent too many years wasting my life on jobs that drain me to continue down that road. My mental health has suffered so for now, I’m focusing on living a fulfilled and balanced life. In fact, my mental state is another reason why I don’t feel great about having a sprog.
I am so uneducated on the subject that didn’t even know until recently that if I was to get pregnant I would have to stop taking my anti-depressants. This is not something I’m ready to do yet. I tried about a year ago and I failed miserably, so I’m really not in a place to go through that at the same time as having my womb inhabited by a new human being.
If that wasn’t enough, I’ve actually read some posts from health professionals advising that us ladies with depression should seriously consider our decision to have a baby. The reason being that we are statistically more likely to suffer further mental health issues during and post pregnancy. I can’t imagine feeling strong enough to put myself in such a vulnerable position. I admire any woman who does – and to be honest mental health issues are so common that it seems unrealistic to give out this advice to everyone – I just don’t feel like I’m quite stable enough yet to take that risk.
So what now? Maybe I’m destined to be the quirky aunt or the weird godmother that every kid needs. Maybe if we get too old to have babies we’ll adopt. Maybe I’ll not be 100% sure until it’s already happened. Maybe I need to worry a little less….
