by Fiona likes to blog | Nov 22, 2016 | DEPRESSION
Depression and guilt go hand in hand for many people. Let’s get one thing straight; you’re not to blame for your mental illness! Just like you wouldn’t be to blame if you contracted pneumonia or developed arthritis. The mind and body are open to injury and it’s nothing to feel guilty about, but I know from experience it’s not that easy. Here are some things you definitely need to think about…
Receiving gifts
I was thinking recently about how painful it was for me to receive birthday and Christmas gifts just after I was diagnosed with depression. Being unable to work meant I couldn’t really afford to buy for others, and I felt like I hadn’t earned the right to be given gifts or celebrate at all. My friends and family wanted to do anything to make me feel better, and giving me presents was their way of showing that. I know it’s really hard but try and accept any gifts you are given and see it as a symbol of support from those who care. If you’re someone who is struggling to buy gifts for someone check out my recent gift guide.
Taking time off
One of the main reasons I took almost 4 years to recover from mental health problems is that I struggled on at work for months without taking any time off. I didn’t realise just how serious my condition was – or that it existed at all – and so I continued to put myself under immense stress during a time when I should have been resting and allowing my mind to recover. It wasn’t until I finally did get signed off work that I realised how bad my symptoms were and that I would need months to recover. It’s natural to feel incredibly guilty about this but unfortunately it’s the only way for many people to recover.
Being seen ‘out’ when you’re unable to work
I was talking to a friend recently who has been signed off work with anxiety, and she was expressing concern about visiting the hairdresser whilst on sick leave. Essentially she was worried that she didn’t have the right to be out doing things in case it got back to her employers. Remember this; the reason you’re off sick is because you are unable to work. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re unable to get on a bus, go to the supermarket or go to the hairdressers. For me, work was actually contributing to my illness so it was essential that I stop doing it immediately. Going to the gym on the other hand, was easing some of the symptoms, lifted my mood and helped me get to sleep at night. Going out and doing the things you’re comfortable with is so extremely important to your recovery and should not be avoided for fear of ‘being spotted’.
Forgetting important dates
Did you know that depression is linked to short term memory loss? Don’t feel bad if you forget that you made plans with someone yesterday or you can’t remember what time your doctors appointment is. Before I was diagnosed with depression I was finding it really hard to remember what I’d done from one day to the next, especially at work. I ended up relying on a stupid amount of ‘to-do’ lists which were synced up to my calender and my phone and it all got very overwhelming. It’s totally normal to forget things and it doesn’t make you a bad person.
Eating convenience foods
Whilst living on Pringles and Pop Tarts isn’t the best advice I can offer you, there’s certainly a bit of wiggle room when it comes to eating the perfect diet when you suffer from depression. If like me, you’ve struggled mentally with dieting for most of your life then the will power to resist eating processed foods whilst fighting a depressive episode will be non-existent. There is a lot of great information out there on what foods are helpful in terms of brain chemicals and blood sugars, but don’t put too much pressure on yourself to eat well all of the time. That just comes with a whole other bag of problems that you don’t need, so eat as often as you need to satisfy your hunger and try to incorporate fresh fruit, vegetables, whole grains and healthy fats as much as possible.
Not convinced? Check out this helpful post I found called 5 ways to overcome guilt in depression.
by Fiona likes to blog | Nov 16, 2016 | ANXIETY
Anxiety sucks
The unwanted symptoms that accompany anxiety are feelings of depression, worthlessness and inability to function. When asked what I want for Christmas or my birthday I often say ‘nothing’, because I feel like I don’t deserve any presents. It’s not a cry for attention or a way to get sympathy.
Anxiety messes with your confidence and your self-esteem and makes you feel like no one cares about you and that they’re right to do so. It’s a constant struggle to feel like a ‘real’ human, and I often feel segregated and disjointed from the rest of society especially when it comes to birthday or Christmas celebrations.
Thoughtful gifts
If you’re looking for a gift for someone with anxiety, I totally understand why you feel at a loss as what to buy them. When you hand over that lovely little package, I want you to be confident that you’ve chosen something that could potentially make their lives easier or at least offer some comfort at a difficult time.
None of these gifts are going to be a quick fix for mental health problems but they can act as a subtle reminder that your support is always available. You might even want to direct them to this blog for a little friendly reminder that they’re not alone
You Got This
If you’re looking for something to boost your mood, I’ve created this beautiful mini magazine A Feel-Good Zine which is filled with original writings on mental health as well as artwork by Chloe from The Feels Club.
It’s not designed to cure the symptoms of depression and anxiety, but merely act as a companion for when you’re having a bad day. You can buy it via my shop here.
Buddy Box
Subscription boxes are still going strong, and this Buddy Box from Blurt is a well thought out addition to the selection with a focus on mental health. Although they specialise in boxes for depression sufferers, you might find that your friend could still benefit from a box of treats tailored to mental well-being in general. You can purchase a one off box or sign up for monthly deliveries with a different set of gifts delivered throughout the year. Check out this review from Hannah for an example of what comes in each box.
Positive pins
Pins and patches are the currency of the modern mental health sufferer. This pin duo from Diglot Etc is incredibly cute and this one from Blurt can act as a reminder that you’ve got someone’s back.
Spinning Rings
I find when I’m anxious I tend to fidget a lot – I bite my nails, constantly fix my hair and readjust my clothing. I also habitually play with the rings on my finger; twisting them around and taking them off just to put them straight back on again. I didn’t realise this was so common until I spotted these Spinning Rings on Etsy. Not only are they helpful to those with anxious habits like me, but they are absolutely beautiful in their own right.
Self-care gifts
I know that ‘self-care’ is really popular at the moment, and to be honest I think that can only be a good thing. Yes, it’s a tad cheesy to talk about taking care of oneself but it’s something that so many of us let fall by the wayside. I can’t afford to spend a lot of money on skincare and make up and if someone gifts me some luxury bath products I really appreciate it. It also encourages me to take more time to relax, have a bath and give myself a treat or two.
Pretty much every girl I know would be grateful for a gift box from Lush and this one is particularly good for winding down as it features a lavender scented shower gel and several soothing bath products. To really secure a good night’s sleep why not add in this Great day, good night duo from This Works?
Mindfulness gifts
I know from personal experience that it can be really frustrating when people suggest various ‘cures’ for your anxiety. Yes, I’ve tried yoga and getting more exercise and there’s no need to patronise me! If you want to offer a suggestion to someone you know who as anxiety then Christmas could be the perfect opportunity.
Although I’ve never tried colouring for mindfulness this Alice in Wonderland colouring book could tempt me to give it a go. I also love The Mindfulness Companion book which has sections for writing down your current mood, feeling and has colouring pages included too.
If you’re affected by anxiety would you like to receive any of these gifts?
READ NEXT: Gift ideas for friends with depression
by Fiona likes to blog | Nov 10, 2016 | ANXIETY, DEPRESSION
I’ve just returned from a busy weekend in Scotland. It was our first visit back home since we moved to Birmingham and I was really excited to see my friends and family for the first time in 4 months. Unfortunately for an introvert like me, being constantly on the go for 72 hours turned out to be kind of a drag. I knew my time was limited with everyone, but after the first day my mind was so exhausted that I could barely hold a conversation or stay awake.
Combine my solitary nature with mental health issues and you’ve got someone who appears to be extremely moody and rude for a lot of the time. I’ve said I’m sorry again and again. I feel like it’s out of my control. When I feel a low mood creeping in, it climbs onto my back and digs its claws in. It doesn’t let go and then I feel anxious about how I appear to other people.
I know there are people who can’t understand this at all. But I also know there are people out there who know exactly how it feels. Here’s what’s going on in my head most of the time:
I don’t have the strength to talk
Holding a conversations when I’m drained, depressed and on edge with anxiety is near impossible. I’m caught in that horrible contradiction of being fatigued but my body is often producing a lot of nervous energy. Sometimes making small talk is just too hard.
I have nothing nice to say
When my depression sets in I feel like the world is a bad place. I suddenly think I can see everyone for who they really are; they’re all pretending to be happy, nothing is worth the effort and we should all just give up immediately. If I’m in this frame of mind and you ask me what shade of lipstick looks best then I won’t have anything helpful to add to the discussion so I try to just keep my mouth shut.
I’m concentrating on not freaking out
It might look like I’m just grumpy and quiet but secretly I’m scanning the room for potential anxiety inducing situations. Where are the toilets? Are those drunk people going to talk to us? How are we going to split the bill and do I have enough money? Are you going to ask me something I can’t answer? Am I going to look stupid?
I feel like I’m not enough
If this scenario continues on for more than a few hours and I feel like it’s obvious to other people then I tend to feel like a bit of a failure. Why can’t I just fake being polite for one day? Why can’t I think of one single thing to talk about? Why do my friends and family even want me around? I don’t deserve them. I’m such a waste of space.
I’m feeling guilty
When I start to feel like I’m cramping everyone’s style I am plagued with guilt. I feel like I’ve ruined the day, wasted everyone’s time and been a crappy friend/daughter/sister. Even when people tell me it’s not my fault I find a way to convince myself that I should be able to control my moods better or get better at pretending to be OK.
If I come across as rude to you, I’m so sorry. I’m working on it.
by Fiona likes to blog | Nov 4, 2016 | LIFE
I’m a crier.
I like a good sob, normally in private and more than likely about things that are really not important.
I’ve been known to weep uncontrollably when I’ve fucked up my make up, when the bag splits on the way home from the shops and when my parents’ dog ate £100 straight out of my handbag. I know you probably think I made that last one up but I can assure you I really didn’t.
The thing with me is that I tend to sit on my emotions. I’ll let thoughts get trapped in my head, they wear away at me and grind me down for days or weeks until they finally surface in the most unexpected manner. I regularly find myself in the ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ scenario, whereby it only takes something small and seemingly meaningless to send me into a fit of rage followed by the waterworks explosion. I can cry that sickening way, when you feel like you might hurl because you have so much sadness bubbling over and you just have to get it out.
The great news is that I normally feel better after a good old strop and a tear-fest. No matter what has pushed me to boiling point, my mind is clearly in need of some sort of release – so it finds its own way of getting it. It sounds like I’m a dramatic person (OK maybe I am at times) but I only have these little tantrums because I’ve remained so calm and collected on the surface for so long. I have been in that situation long term and it seriously isn’t good for your health. I’m trying to work on keeping my mind relaxed and de-cluttered but it’s a work in progress.
My advice is to cry when you need you. Even when it seems unreasonable, even when you can’t explain what you’re upset about; cry away and you’ll feel so much better in the long run.
by Fiona likes to blog | Oct 31, 2016 | DEPRESSION
I told some of my friends that I had depression as soon as I got diagnosed. The reason being; I knew I couldn’t hide it from them any more. My mood was unpredictable, my actions out of character and I was unfit for work. As far as my Facebook friends were concerned however, I was fine and dandy! I didn’t want to tell the whole world about my problems back then, but I knew my best mates had to be kept in the loop. It was hard. I felt embarrassed. Like I’d failed as a human and that I was somehow now using an illness as an excuse for not being able to cope with life. I know now that my inability to cope was merely a horrible symptom, and admitting I needed support was my first step on a long and winding road to getting my happiness back again. From my own personal experience, here’s my advice….
Be prepared for varied responses
A lot of people think that their inner turmoil is clearly visible to people on the outside. The telltale sighs of depression like being reclusive, feeling agitated, loss of appetite and inability to concentrate may feel acute and painfully obvious to you but don’t be surprised if none of your friends have been concerned about your well being.
It’s not that they don’t care, but simply that your symptoms haven’t been brought to their attention. They may think you’ve seemed different, but we all go through bad spells that aren’t necessarily linked to mental health concerns. So be prepared for your friends to be kind of surprised that you have some problems of that nature.
On the other hand, some friends might be overbearing; they might ask really in-depth questions about your health, thoughts, feelings, medical advice and medication. Some friends want to help ‘cure’ you and will offer you advice that might seem patronising, such as “maybe you just need to let your hair down” and “you should go on holiday”.
Try and be appreciative. I know it’s hard. Even if they don’t understand fully what you’re going though it’s good that they want to help. They might find this post helpful.
Give them time to process what you’re saying
If your friends have never dealt with someone who has been diagnosed with depression then they might be really uncomfortable when you start talking about your problems. Try not to be offended if they seem standoffish or act like it’s not a big deal. You know it’s a big deal and you’re trying to get better so that’s all that matters.
Give them time to listen to what you have to say. Let them go home and talk to their partner or family about the subject (they don’t necessarily have to mention your name) so that they can make sense of what you’re going through and consider their own actions.
Being friends with someone with mental health issues can be kind of scary. They might not know what to say or how to act around you because they are worried about upsetting you or making your condition worse. This is nothing to feel guilty about, just believe that if they are a real friend they’ll do what they can to help comfort you.
Think of one way they can help you
Before you bring up the subject have a think to yourself about what you want from them. Their instinct will likely be to utter that dreaded phrase, “Let me know if there is anything I can do”. I mean seriously, has anyone ever responded to that comment by actually asking for help? It’s one of those awkward “I want to help” moments where no one quite knows what to say.
As you know, depression feels like a tonne of bricks has been laid to rest on top of you, so small tasks might pile up whilst you take time to recover. Try and pinpoint a few things that are looming over you and ask if they would mind helping out.
I remember my mum offered to help me clean my house and I was really offended, when really my life would have been a little more comfortable had I just let her help. Looking back, I’m certain it would have given her some purpose too during a difficult period in our relationship.
Explain that you might act differently
This can be really hard, because maybe you’ve just been diagnosed in which case your symptoms will likely become different over the coming months. You don’t need to go into the specifics about how you’re feeling, but it would be good to explain the things your are finding particularly difficult. It might be shopping for groceries, driving to a doctors appointment or dealing with some unpaid bills. My problem for a long time was being out with big groups of people who weren’t my very close friends and family.
I became very reclusive and lost all self-confidence so social gatherings were my number one fear. Over time I managed to express this to my friends and they still accommodate me to this day. If I don’t want to go clubbing, drinking or into a crowded venue they don’t expect me to. They know drinking alcohol makes my condition worse so they don’t pressure me to have a drink when they are having one.
Knowing that these things weren’t expected of me took a huge weight off my shoulders, and when I was at my worst all of my best friends made an effort to see me in an environment where I was at ease.
Have these tips given you the confidence to talk openly to your friends about depression?
