by Fiona likes to blog | Oct 18, 2023 | WRITING
When I started sharing my writing on the internet back in 2012, it wasn’t because I’d written anything I was proud of. It was because I had hit rock bottom and had nowhere else to go.
I was too depressed to go to work and too anxious to socialise. My ‘professional working woman’ outer shell, the one I’d spent years creating, had all but disintegrated and I was…. confused.
Writing online was my way of figuring that out and a few years later it turned out rather well. I published two books and was paid to write for magazines. I began to host online writing courses for others, finding satisfaction in pulling others up to where I felt we all deserved to be.
But this time, writing explicitly about the gurglings in my subconscious through personal essays or a memoir hasn’t felt quite right. It hasn’t felt enough.
But over the last few years, amidst coming out as a lesbian and processing a painful divorce, I’ve felt that urge return again. An urge to find myself through writing.
I’ve written a few blogs, regularly written to my newsletter fam (I see you!) but there is something more potent stirring that needs a unique outlet.
Non-fiction has always been my jam.
A true story tugs on my heartstrings everytime, I’m a nosey bugger and I want to know about people’s lives and the stories they survive. But this time, writing explicitly about the gurglings in my subconscious through personal essays or a memoir hasn’t felt quite right. It hasn’t felt enough.
I’m only just finding the courage to really say what is going on in my brain and to shape it into something subjective, something that cannot be bumped up by a clickable headline or polished by a professional editor.
I need a fresh set of paints to create my art.
And I really do mean art, because after writing books as part of the traditional publishing model I feel as though I disregarded myself as an artist completely. I tweaked my words and edited my ideas to make my writing profitable.
Do I regret it? Not necessarily.
It’s a process I had to go through to experience first-hand. I have tangible proof that I can write professionally (which not everyone needs, but I’m insecure so it helps) but now I want to prove to myself that I can write artistically too.
My approach to non-fiction has always been about the internal monologue mixed in with external events. But there aren’t always words that express the wild and unspeakable things that go on in our heads.
So I turned to poetry to figure out what was going on in there with the hope of alchemising it into something that I feel is an artistic representation of who I am.
I’ve been writing poetry for over a year, but more recently something shifted in me. I gave myself permission to really dedicate the time to my craft. To read more poetry, to learn about technique, take part in courses and begin editing and sharing my work.
This is all vulnerable in a way that feels rather dramatic. Who cares if I’m writing poetry? Does anyone care? I have no idea and maybe that’s what I’m finding so unbearably raw. That I’m only just finding the courage to really say what is going on in my brain and to shape it into something subjective, something that cannot be bumped up by a clickable headline or polished by a professional editor. This is all on me now.
I’m writing this because I don’t think enough writers talk about changing lanes. About getting out of a niche they’ve built for themselves and doing the scary thing of trying to break out of it.
Perhaps you’ve told yourself that you could only ever write fiction because your life isn’t interesting enough to be a memoir.
Maybe you’ve stuck to poetry because a novel seems like a mammoth task you’re incapable of completing.
Or perhaps like me, you’ve stuck with the kind of writing that other people said you are good at.
Whatever your writing lane, consider this blog post a flashing green arrow encouraging you to merge into a new one, and allow your inner artist to take the wheel. Read more about my poetry.
by Fiona likes to blog | Sep 11, 2023 | LESBIAN LIFE, WRITING
Since January 2022, I’ve been using spirituality as an antidote to the pathologizing of the female queer experience.
In a moment of reflection during Christmas break, while sitting in my parents’ house, I allowed myself to confront the truth about my sexual identity. It was a realisation that would ultimately explain the depression, anxiety, chronic pain, and sexual issues that had plagued me for years.
Coming Out & Navigating the Initial Pain
The path to self-discovery was not without its challenges, especially when it came to the initial pain of coming out as a lesbian.
While the full story is too raw for me to share at this moment, I found myself like a kid in a sandbox of possibilities, free to explore life without the constraints of a partner.
This newfound sense of wholeness sparked my curiosity and desire for self-experimentation.
Stepping into Change
As I contemplated the possibilities, my mind raced with both big and small changes I could make.
From moving to the seaside and starting a new career to getting a nose piercing and wearing waistcoats proudly (oh the joy of being a lesbian stereotype!) my journey of self-acceptance was filled with excitement and courage I didn’t know I had.
But there is no discomfort more dangerous than the one that comes from denying your own evolution.
It was a time of both joy and grief for what had come before. Grief for the marriage, for my wasted youth, and for the stability I had in the false life I had chosen to live.
I knew that navigating the post-coming-out bubble would require proactive mental health management. Triggers were everywhere, from wedding photographs to social media posts, and even TV shows we used to watch together.
To cope, I delved deep into self-help practices such as meditation, journaling, yoga, and tarot readings. Astrology, birth charts, and oracle cards became integral parts of my daily routine.
Integrating Authenticity into My Writing
Not everyone understood my choices, and I could see it in the faces of friends and relatives.
But there is no discomfort more dangerous than the one that comes from denying your own evolution.
I will no longer stunt my growth to please others. It it their own denial that comes to the surface when they judge me asserting my freedom to choose. They see in me what they are incapable of giving to themselves.
It limited my authentic expression to a small circle, reinforcing the belief that my whole self was not worthy of acceptance.
This isn’t a dig. Don’t get me wrong, I am angry; but not necessarily at the people who dismiss my choices. I’m angry at myself for tweaking my personality to fit in for so many years.
Integrating my newfound self into my work as a writer and course facilitator was a challenge. I realised that not everyone needed access to every facet of my life, but it felt wrong to compartmentalise my life into things that could and couldn’t be shared online.
I wanted desperately to protect my mental health, but it seemed like hiding parts of myself toed the line between safe and dangerous.
My personal brand, closely linked to my identity, has always played a significant role in my writing career and while it was tempting to keep certain aspects hidden, I believe that sharing the most genuine parts of myself is where my magic as a creative resides.
My Patreon Journey: Pros and Cons
To create a safe space for sharing my spiritual experiences, I started a Patreon.
This allowed me to write candidly about mystical experiences, tarot readings, and all that jazz. It provided regular writing practice and boosted my confidence in tarot. However, it came with guilt for withholding content from some subscribers and the pressure to cater to a small audience.
Why I Closed My Patreon
Running my Patreon was a safe but confining experience. It limited my authentic expression to a small circle, reinforcing the belief that my whole self was not worthy of acceptance.
Ultimately, I closed it to avoid perpetuating the divide between the sellable and the real me.
And while I know that there are people on the internet and in my real life will not accept me, will not see my choices as wise, my beliefs as appropriate …. I refuse to silence myself in order to maintain an outdated self-image for people who aren’t willing to witness my evolution.
It’s time to combine the two and be true to myself in every aspect of life.
Embracing my Full Self
In the end, Patreon brought financial gains, but for my personal circumstances, it raised questions about the cost of authenticity.
While Patreon can provide a private writing space, it demands significant time and effort for profitability. For me, the love of writing lies in self-expression shared with as many people as possible.
Good news: I’m in the process of copying all my Patreon blogs over to this website. Sign up for my newsletter to receive updates.
by Fiona likes to blog | Sep 8, 2023 | ANXIETY, LIFE, WRITING
I’ve been experimenting with following the moon cycles this year and although I’m no expert, I’ve found it interesting to work with these dates instead of a typical calendar month, especially when it comes to journaling and intention setting around my creative practice.
So I thought I’d give you a brief rundown of how the cycles work and how you can integrate actions around the new and full moon to build a life you love.
New Moon
This is the time when the moon isn’t visible from Earth.
So think about it as a clean slate, a time before things have even begun, an invitation to think about what you want to manifest in your life and then you can break it down into smaller intentions or tasks to be completed over the coming cycle.
This could be starting a new project, refreshing one that is feeling a bit stale, connecting with new people or getting out of your comfort zone to take in some inspiration at an event or exhibition. It’s all about new beginnings, so challenge yourself to think outside the box.
Actions:
- Tarot spread to connect with your intuition and find out what you really want
- Book a reading with a trusted tarot reader
- Journaling to explore future and write a list of new moon intentions
- Vision boarding
Waxing Cresent, first quarter and gibbous moon phases see the moon become more visible over a period of roughly two weeks, culminating in the full moon.
During this period, stay focused on your creative intentions, journal on them daily, visualise them becoming a reality and make use of the energy that accompanies the time after the new moon.
Journal prompts for the new moon phase:
- What aspects of my inner self are currently in the shadows, waiting to be illuminated?
- What new creative connections do I want to manifest during this lunar cycle?
- What habits, beliefs, or energies no longer serve my creative self?
- As a writer, what creative projects or ideas are calling to me at this moment?
- How can I nurture and bring them to life during this lunar phase?
- What self-care practices will I prioritise during this lunar cycle to nourish my mind, body, and spirit?
- What intuitive insights or messages am I receiving at this moment?
- What does the moon represent to me, and how can I align with its energy for self-growth?
Full Moon
This is the energetic peak of the cycle, where you may find your energy levels are uncomfortably high.
I personally get a lot of anxious energy around the full moon, normally with headaches and chronic overthinking about how I’ve acted in the weeks previously (fun!)
Don’t be surprised if this leads to a lot of self-doubt in your creative abilities, fear of rejection or lack of energy as things come to a head. Hopefully, you’ll start to see some of your intentions manifest around this time.
This is the time to pause and reflect on what you have or haven’t manifested over the last few weeks. Let go of the past and move on.
Actions:
- Tarot spread to focus on what you need to let go of
- Journaling to express gratitude for what you have now
- Letter to the universe to say thank you and unsent letters of forgiveness for emotions you want to release
During the disseminating, third quarter and balsamic moon period you might find your energy level become more stable and then begin to dip off as it reaches the end of the cycle.
Use this time to relax into where you are now.
Keep working on the intentions you set but let go of anything that isn’t working and continue to put effort into the things that have been successful in the past. Give yourself grace towards the end of the cycle and make time for restorative self-care.
Journal prompts for the full moon
- What have I created since the last full moon, and how have these creations changed me?
- How has my creative process evolved over the last month?
- What blocks need my attention to let creative energy flow?
- How have I nurtured my creative spirit this month?
- How have I connected with fellow artists or writers this month and how has it fuelled my creative energy?
- What insights have my dreams provided recently and how will I use this in my creative work?
- Who or what am I ready to forgive and let go of?
Then the cycle begins all over again with the fresh new moon!
Was this helpful? Would you like to see more posts about how to work with the moon?
