by Fiona likes to blog | Aug 3, 2023 | LESBIAN LIFE
If I had to sum up the hardest part of my coming out experience, it could be encapsulated in one word: guilt.
First off, I feel guilty that I’ve portrayed my coming out experience as a purely joyful event. Scroll through my Instagram feed from the last year and a half and you’ll see me visiting family in Australia, spending Christmas in Paris, getting fresh haircuts and staring face-first into the sunshine.
What I haven’t documented publicly is the unravelling of years and years of repressed sexuality, the shame, the pain, and the guilt of shattering the illusion of my identity to every person I know.
Secondly, the guilt is mostly centred around the upset my coming out has caused other people.
Namely, my ex and of course my family, who have had to reconcile who they thought I was with who I am today. The guilt for getting married. For accepting wedding gifts and allowing our families to pay for our big day.
And there’s another layer of guilt. The guilt I have about abandoning myself for so many years. Guilt, upon guilt, upon guilt.
The myth of external success
I wasn’t consciously hiding my sexuality from the world. It just lived under my skin and I refused to peel back the layers to see what was going on. I distracted myself with ambition, building a business and writing books.
Part of me believed that if I could just create this successful version of myself, everything would be OK.
But it didn’t work out like that. When I had done all I could think of, written two books and finished my first attempt at a novel, I closed my laptop and heard silence.
Without the noise of recognition, praise and sales statistics, the great unsaid inside of me screamed and I had no choice but to listen.
Logic doesn’t work
I don’t know if I will ever write about the day I came out to my husband. Some friends have asked me about it, but I’ve refused to talk about it because it’s just too painful to recall.
In the aftermath of that, inflicting pain on someone by merely discovering who I am, the guilt kicked in hard and I’ve been trying to shake it off ever since. But it just. keeps. coming.
“You have no reason to feel guilty, you did the right thing,” is the phrase my friends repeated to me over and over again.
And although I know I did the right thing for me, for us, it doesn’t make it sting any less.
We should never be taught to abandon ourselves in order to feel safe
Why don’t we, as women, have the ability to let go of our responsibility to make other people feel OK?
It’s so ingrained in us from birth, from being forced to hug a relative so that they don’t feel left out, to smiling at boys to avoid making them angry, to wearing ‘appropriate’ clothing at work so as not to distract anyone else, we’ve been indoctrinated into this narrative that the buck stops with us. We are somehow the gatekeepers of the world’s happiness.
We only have to look at the famous monologue in the recent Barbie movie to witness the pressure placed on us as women today, and the anger, self-hatred and frustration that ripples through our cells as a result.
At the end of the speech, delivered by America Ferrera at the climax of the movie, she says:
“You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.”
It’s too hard and it’s too contradictory.
There is no medal for coming out and owning my sexuality. I’m paying the price in many ways, of not performing in the way that society wants me to.
School, family, and the media, all trained me to be a good girl, to prioritise those around me first, and to care for others at all costs. But the cost I paid was too high and I know now that as women, we should never be taught to abandon ourselves in order to feel safe. In order to simply live.
I willingly gave up my home and a sense of security for the unknown because it was killing me to keep up the performance of being a typical woman.
It gets to a point where it’s impossible to keep up the charade.
I don’t want to be the creator of worry, the supplier of sadness, or the deliverer of yet more bad news.
People say it’s the best time in history to be openly gay. That to come out now is to taste real freedom and true acceptance. So here I am feeling guilty, yet again, for not feeling that way.
Straight people, look around you.
Queer rights are being stripped away left right and centre, and we are terrified.
Some truths
- I am scared to wear a rainbow or trans ally badge in case I get abuse from a stranger.
- I am scared to write about sexuality on my own blog because I don’t want to lose clients.
- I am scared that one day, the relative freedoms that queer people enjoy will be reversed.
And the guilt of all of that weighs heavily on me as I write this blog because I don’t want to put more fear out into the world. I don’t want to be the creator of worry, the supplier of sadness, or the deliverer of yet more bad news.
But isn’t that the problem?
That I am still censoring myself because I don’t want to upset anyone? I don’t want to upset you?
What I’m working on now is trust. I want to – I have to – trust that you will receive my words in the way I intended when I started writing this blog post: as a permission slip to express who you are, in all its anger and glory, to talk about guilt as a way to relieve the guilt, to write or speak your words with conviction, without feeling the need to apologise, without ever worrying that you are responsible for how other people feel when you expand into your truest self.
I trust you.
Resources:
If you’re curious about my use of the word queer, watch this video.
A list of the anti-LGBTQ+ legislation advancing in the US here.
by Fiona likes to blog | May 3, 2023 | Uncategorized
I’ve always loved reading non-fiction, but to be honest I’ve always felt more comfortable reading about the scientific aspect or mental health. Living with depression and anxiety made me interested in finding ways to heal, but since having a bit of a spiritual awakening as a result of coming out as a lesbian and ending my marriage, I’ve realised that I’ve always been seeking spiritual texts.
There are alot of books that have aided in my spiritual awakening, but these are the three that had a huge impact on me in the first year of my journey. Some of the links are affiliate.
This is the book I recommend to everyone I meet, no matter whether they feel like they are on a spiritual path or not. Martha Beck is so great at writing about spirituality in an accessible way, and having grown up in the Mormon church she is the master at pointing out how cultural conditioning is often at odds with who we are destined to become.
The book follows the hero’s journey, so writers will enjoy that, but you certainly don’t need to be a writer or even have any awareness of the framework to understand the concept.
What it does offer though, is a spine that runs through the book, carrying you through the consequences of rejecting your true nature and the rewards that come from embracing her.
I listened to this on audiobook and carried a notebook with me at all times so that I could work through the exercises and journal prompts as they came up. This was by far the most powerful aspect of the book for me, and I worked through a lot of shit over the space of a few weeks.
The biggest outcome for me was releasing the constant need to tell little lies about my desires in order to please other people. I began to notice that I had been holding back in my life in order to fit the mould of what others expect. How many of us are doing this? I bet pretty much EVERYONE and this book can help you see that you have the power to change it.
Let me start by saying, with kindness, that Byron Katie will not stand for your bullshit. I listened to the audiobook which features a lot of recordings where she is talking people through her 4 question method, and it is fascinating to hear her shatter their perception of reality live on air.
She is what I like to call an empathetic realist. Kind in her words and delivery, she is absolutely here to tell you how it is. And the hard – but potentially freeing – truth is that how you perceive things is merely a construct of your own false storytelling.
I was finding myself consumed by thoughts about what other people thought of me, how my behaviours were affecting them, essentially spending a lot of my time telling myself stories about how my actions were impacting other people and making up these false narratives that in turn, controlled how I lived my life.
Loving What Is made me see that most of the judgements I make about other people is something I need to see in myself. I’m projecting my own story onto others. For example, I would judge people for posting fake happy pictures on Instagram, when I was doing the same. I would be annoyed at a family member for not ‘seeing’ the real me. But was I even truly looking at myself? I worried and worried about my friends adjusting to the new queer me, when really it was me who was struggling the most.
This year I started doing yoga three times a week and during the end meditations I began to see visions. Crazy right? It made me super curious about the world of meditating, and when I mentioned this to a friend she recommended this book.
There is no sugar-coating or step-by-step instructions on how to get into meditation in this book so it might be worth downloading a free app like Insight Timer to have a go at some guided meditations before you get started. Otherwise the tone might feel a bit overwhelming.
The biggest lesson I learned from this book was around living in the present. It sounds obvious and easy to do, but once you realise that your brain wants to keep you ruminating in the past or worrying about the future, it becomes clear that we spend very little time truly being present in our own lives.
It’s impossible to be present 24/7. But reading this book taught me how to make the switch into mindfulness more easily, and it’s helped me find joy in the hardest of moments, calmed me during intense train journeys, and allowed me weather out storms knowing that everything in life is trundling along as it should.
Have you read any of these books? Do you have any other books that you would recommend to someone interested in spirituality?
by Fiona likes to blog | Feb 23, 2023 | tarot
Picture the scene: Your coffee is warm, your laptop is charged and you’ve got a full day of uninterrupted writing ahead of you. Bliss!
Except you can’t quite seem to get any words on the page. As much as you stretch your neck, check your notes and try to start a sentence… nothing materialises.
Sound familiar?
Or perhaps you’re halfway through writing a book and your inspiration has dried up. Maybe you have too many plot points to fit into the rest of your novel, or your memoir has grown arms and legs and can no longer be tamed
No matter what stage you’re at on your writing journey, let’s be honest… it gets messy.
This is how I felt when I went through some major personal changes recently, and I worried that writing would be too difficult to fit into my day as I struggled to navigate the mental impact of what was going on. But then I found tarot and suddenly, I was writing every day. Not only that, but I was writing in new ways, exploring poetry, creating fearlessly from a place of truth that I don’t think I’ve ever accessed before.
Now, tarot is a core part of the writing programs I host and I’m giving professional tarot readings too!
What is tarot?
Tarot is a deck of 78 cards, though to have originated as a card game and evolved to be used as a divination tool. It has grown in popularity, particularly as women begin to reconnect with their wild selves and honour their naturally intuitive nature.
And what is writing if not an intuitive process?
Listen to an interview with a successful writer and you will undoubtedly hear them fumble over their ability to explain how ideas, characters and plot points reveal themselves. A writer is often going on blind faith and feeling their way through the dark as they write, experimenting with forms and structures that may defy tradition but ‘feel right’ at the moment.
Isn’t tarot just fortune telling?
Personally, I think tarot brings out the magic within and can give you a sense of control over your life, open yourself up to opportunities and heighten awareness which can have a tangible impact on your future.
Yes, there are some fortune tellers, mediums and psychics who incorporate tarot into their services, but you don’t have to have special powers to use tarot in your everyday life.
Tarot imagery and meanings are based on the human experience and therefore are relatable to anyone who is… human. So if you’re reading this with human eyes, you have the ability to look at tarot and gain some insight!
How can writers use tarot as a storytelling tool?
Tarot is made up of 22 Major Arcana cards and 56 Minor Arcana cards. The Major Arcana concerns big moments in life and karmic lessons. Think of these as the major points in a story, those plot points that a novel hinges on, or the twists and turns that keep a reader engaged.
The Minor Arcana moments are everyday situations, little lessons or obstacles that crop up daily. You might like to think of these as specific scenes in a story that support character development, theme and overall structure.
Tarot encourages a daily writing habit
Even as a seasoned writer, I have always struggled to get into a regular routine.
Journaling is one of those things that I know help my creative process but it’s something I couldn’t seem to nail down as a daily habit.
When I discovered tarot, I found that pulling a card or three automatically made me want to open up a notebook and write. Because tarot cards trigger thoughts and feelings, most writers will naturally want to document this. In the same way, that morning pages (made famous by Julia Cameron) can shake of the dust for writers, tarot and journaling can serve the same purpose.
Tarot clears the mind
So often the thing that stops us from writing at our best is nothing to do with the writing itself. During my years as a writing mentor, I’ve come to realise that its the internal struggle that holds most writers back.
The self-doubt, fear of failure, past rejections… the list goes on! Working through your own limiting beliefs and old narratives can clear the way for you to get out of your own way and start writing with confidence.
Question to ask tarot: How am I holding myself back with writing?
How to use Tarot in your novel writing
If you are working on a writing project, tarot can help you reconnect with the story but also through up solutions to things you’re struggling with. Tarot is based around storytelling, so it is jam-packed with conflict, characters, emotions and revelations that can inform your plot.
For example, say you are struggling to think of a chance encounter that will introduce a key character to your story. Here are some ways that cards could throw up ideas:
3 of Swords
Themes: Heartbreak, loss, grief.
Perhaps your character appears at a speed dating event or a funeral.
6 of Pentacles
Themes: Charity, breadcrumbing, economic imbalance.
If your character is from a different economic background from your main character, perhaps they meet through a mentoring program, job centre or charity awards ceremony.
The Devil
Themes: Addictions, shadow self, unhealthy attachments.
Perhaps your new character is an ex with an unhealthy obsession, or an addict meets your main character at a support group.
Tarot adds depth to your characters
Tarot is full of character archetypes which can help flesh out your character traits and backstory.
Take The Fool for instance, who is a hapless innocent youth at the beginning of a journey. Full of naivety and hope, they ignore advice from others and are willing to step off a cliff without looking.
The High Priestess, on the other hand, is a wise guardian of the spiritual realm. She is highly in tune with the moon cycles and holds divine wisdom.
These are just two of the archetypes that you’ll find in the deck to inspire a variety of characters. When writing non-fiction, you will see the cards start to mirror aspects of the people you are writing about too.
Ask the cards: What is this character’s hidden secret?
More questions to ask the tarot cards:
- How can I improve my work in progress?
- How can I build a sustainable writing habit?
- What from the past is holding me back?
- What does my future writing career look like?
- How can I boost my chances of getting my book published?
- What writing opportunities am I not seeing?
- How can I be more creative today?
- What isn’t working in my novel plot?
- What should be the focus of my writing today?
- What should be the key theme of my memoir?
- What should my poetry collection be inspired by?
- What should I journal about today?
To learn more about tarot, book a reading with me where we can talk through your writing and any stumbling blocks you may be facing.
Whether you are a new writer or have been published many times, tarot can offer a fresh perspective on your creative works. There is no need to get bogged down in specific meanings and traditions, simply pick a deck that you like the look of and start pulling cards with the prompts I’ve shared here.
Like writing, tarot reading takes practice and will get easier the more you do it!
I’ve devised a set of tarot spreads for writers. You can sign up for my writers newsletter to get access to them as well as all my other free resources.
by Fiona likes to blog | Feb 14, 2023 | Uncategorized
My first ever tarot reading took place four months after I ended my marriage.
The separation was relatively amicable (I came out as a lesbian which meant there was no chance of reconciliation) but it was a separation nonetheless, which meant a swell of emotions as well as practical life changes which included moving from England to Scotland, moving in with my parents, and navigating the worlds of queerness and divorce simultaneously.
Forms of modern witchcraft have always fascinated me. I’d been tempted to seek advice from a psychic or tarot reader in the past but I was afraid of being laughed at, so I buried my curiosity with spirituality and sought help elsewhere.
But in the separation process, I reclaimed a huge part of myself that had been swallowed up in the identity of a relationship. I was free to explore all my eccentricities without needing to justify them to anyone. So I asked a trusted client and friend to give me a reading.
I had zero expectations going into that tarot reading. I had zero knowledge of what tarot was or how it worked. My friend commented that she had never given a reading to someone who didn’t know the four suits or the basics of the major and minor arcana meanings. Truly, I knew nothing.
We spoke on Zoom for several hours about my past, my present circumstances, my general outlook and options for the future. To say that the conversation we had was life-changing would be an understatement. I actually believe that reading was a life-defining moment for me. It split me off from the path I was on and re-routed me on a far more fulfilling one.
Almost a year later, I can say that I am fully obsessed with the power of tarot. I pull cards every day, I have a tarot mentor, spent months learning meanings and building my own intuitive process, giving tarot readings for friends and now, offering them as part of my business.
Here is how tarot helped me find myself:
1. Tarot gave me a reality check
People want tarot to predict the future, but sometimes the most helpful approach is to look at what is going on in your life now, in the present moment. At the time of my first tarot reading, I was bogged down in the difficult early days of divorce. It seemed like my days were an endless stream of solicitor meetings, emails and uncomfortable negotiations.
The cards pulled that day had a clear message: look at the bigger picture.
I wasn’t being invited to think “oh this will all be OK eventually”…. I was being invited to think….. “this is all OK right now because look at all the freedom, opportunities and abundance that already exists in my life.”
The reading took place on Zoom but I was staying at my friend’s house at the time, looking after her cat, in her beautiful flat in the heart of Glasgow’s West End. I had friends who offered me endless love and support. I had parents who took me in and accepted everything I told them. I had an ex who let me leave. I had the capacity for change.
I had already changed my life for the better.
The hard parts of my experience (the cost and stress of divorce, and living with my parents) were still there, but during that reading they began to fade into the background, allowing the positive parts to step forward and take centre stage.
My perception of reality flipped. Now I could see I had the freedom to travel, the support networks to boost my mood, the blank space to create a new life on my own terms.
Interested in doing tarot at home? Get my free tarot moon spreads here.
2. Tarot invited me to take control of my narrative
Being in a relationship was easy in the same way that it wasn’t. Because it involved another person making choices which, as someone suffering from deep-rooted sexual repression, it felt so safe and warm. Having someone else to make decisions about life lifted the mental load I had to carry.
So when I became single and the future we had planned together was no longer an option, I was scared of the empty canvas I was supposed to paint on. Terrified of making the wrong choices, yes, but also struggling to remember my own likes and dislikes.
What had I wanted to do with my life before I got into a relationship?
Who had I wanted to become when I was unattached?
That version of me had been long forgotten, but tarot reminded me that I have the power to rewrite myself every single day, whether that was booking a train to visit my queer friends up north, taking myself on a writer’s retreat, trying reiki for the first time or allowing myself to spend money on gig tickets to experience live music.
Before I used tarot I was following a script of what I thought my life should look like, but now I get to write a new one and change it whenever I like.
3. Tarot revealed my potential
I started to realise that the world was wide open to me when my first tarot reading showed me a picture of a cat in the Queen of Wands card. Catsitting was just something I did, one time, to help a friend and get a break from living with my parents. But with the self-reflection tarot offered, I connected the dots between wanting to travel and looking after pets as a way to get free accommodation.
In the months that followed, I looked after pets in Glasgow, Edinburgh, London, the Midlands and Paris. I can say for certain none of that would have been possible if I hadn’t taken the time to look at the cards and be honest with myself about what I want from life.
4. Tarot allowed me to make braver choices
It might not seem like it, but travelling and petsitting felt like a scary decision to make. Mostly because I’ve spent my entire life seeking validation from friends and family, by following the template of what life should look like.
So announcing that I would be breaking away from the traditional life plan and becoming a digital nomad for the year was, in my mind, a risk that could render me an outsider to the people I love. The people who made me feel like I was doing things the right way.
But tarot always reminds me that it’s my life.
Only I can know what’s right for me, and those external voices shouldn’t be louder than my internal voice. So I took the road less travelled, and I decided to take a chance on living a life that I knew other people would not understand.
5. Tarot encouraged me to face my shadow parts
Oooft yeah, she did! I’m quite a spontaneous person but often those hasty actions are based on fear, because often I fear abandonment or being emotionally pushed away. So as a newly single person, you can probably imagine that dating for the first time in 18 years has been quite the journey.
Through interactions with women, I’ve been confronted with my need to feel ‘safe’ in a relationship and the ways in which this need manifests in my actions. You know the drill, obsessively checking my phone, wondering what they’re up to, what they’re thinking, why they haven’t texted me back and if they’re constantly on the verge of rejecting me.
There was no magical card that allowed me to see all this. It was the daily repetition of pulling tarot cards and journaling that gave me the chance to think about my state of mind and analyse my corresponding behaviours. I haven’t banished this shadow part from my identity, but I’ve begun to look at it in detail and consider whether my actions are in alignment with the energy I want to bring to relationships.
6. Tarot gave me increased self-awareness
To sum it up, tarot has made me see who I was, who I am, and who I have the potential to become. I can step outside of the perception I have of myself and acknowledge that I have choices, I have power, and I can change the course of my life by replacing old patterns with bolder, authentic ones that allow me to thrive.
Instead of sleepwalking through life, blinded by false limitations, I am free.
Free to want, desire, play, dive deep and breathe calmly in the knowledge that everything is available to me when I’m ready to receive.
Join my tarot reading waitlist.
by Fiona likes to blog | Jan 10, 2023 | WRITING
Looking through photographs of myself through the years has always been fun. Bad haircuts. Embarrassing outfits. Teenage romances. You know the drill.
But last year, I found looking at those same images difficult. Who was I? Why didn’t I allow myself to unfurl naturally instead of pretending to be someone else to fit it?
Photographs of my married life were particularly triggering, because since coming out as a lesbian in January 2022, the woman who appears in those images isn’t just alien to me, she’s someone I’d come to detest.
Anger plays a role in everyone’s life, but I don’t think it’s uncommon for the majority of that anger to be directed at yourself. We all have regrets, but how do you let them go? How do you acknowledge that you did the best you could at the time, and so your past self-compassion for all that she’s been through?
These are the questions that came to a head last year as I went through the process of editing and rewriting my first book (Work it Out: Finding Connection in the Digital Age without Falling Apart) and although I haven’t fully let the anger towards my younger self go, I’m getting closer to that place. Therapeutic writing (and building a regular writing habit) has helped immensely, and my aim isn’t to shut out the past versions of me but to integrate them into my current self, to let their multitudes exist in my head and come and go as they need to.
What is therapeutic writing?
Different from psychotherapy, this is a form of writing that has therapeutic benefits. In the same way that yoga can relax your mind or painting on a canvas can express difficult emotions, therapeutic writing serves as a way to improve your well-being without (or supplementary to) expert medical support. It is not a substitute for mental health support, and I am by no means a therapist, but I have been writing for well-being for a decade and recently completed a 6-week course on the topic.
Here are a few of the writing techniques that have helped me recently.
1. Stepping stones
In the same way that you use stepping stones to cross a stream, it can be helpful to bullet point moments in your life that have brought you to where you are today. This technique can be used to frame your whole life or a shorter period of time such as a year or a decade.
Decide on the time frame you want to cover and write down 10-12 stepping-stone moments that have played a pivotal role in that period. Don’t allow self-doubt to creep in and don’t write anything more that a few words for each bullet point. The trick here is to write quickly to tap into your subconscious so don’t second guess anything that you’re writing, just get it on the page. It should only take a few minutes.
Now go back to the list and expand on 2-3 of the stepping stones by writing a paragraph about the person you were at that time.
- What struggles were you facing?
- What habits (good or bad) were you practising?
- How did you present yourself to the world?
- What was going on in your work and personal life?
- How was your physical and mental health?
Take a break and come back to what you’ve written. Reflect on whether there is any link between these snapshots if there are any recurring themes, and what you would like to say to that version of you now that they have lived through it. What would you say to that person if they were a close friend? Would you praise them for their resilience? Ask them if they are OK? Show as much compassion as you can at this point, but be honest if there are still feelings of resentment. Releasing all feelings on the page is better than keeping them locked inside.
Over time, feel free to go back to each stepping stone and repeat the exercise. To broaden your scope of what you have lived through and how each version of you has been an essential part of getting you to where you are today.
2. Shift perspectives
Looking back on things you’ve done is all well and good, but we forget that the person we are today has so much more wisdom that the younger versions of ourselves. Think of a version of you that you are struggling to align with. It might be the past self who drank too much and made bad decisions or the past self who spent her money on handbags instead of saving for a house deposit, or anything else that makes you feel sad, angry or regretful. Now set a timer for 10 minutes and write freely about that time in your life, from their perspective at that time.
So for example, I often think about how my teenage self kissed girls and brushed it off as ‘experimenting’ in her head. My journal entry for this exercise starts something like this:
I am 16, it’s 2002 and I don’t know a single lesbian in real life. Lesbian is a slur used to make fun of other people. Yeah, I like kissing girls but I know that having a boyfriend is what I’m supposed to have (that’s what all the love songs and TV shows tell me) so obviously that’s what I want. I feel sad and disconnected from the world and I assume that being open about how I feel about girls would only make that worse. I’d rather have a boyfriend and fit in. I feel unattractive and boys don’t pay me much attention, which makes me feel like an outcast.
You’ll be surprised at how quickly you can get into the mindset of your past self and remember all the environmental, physical and social factors that contributed to the decisions they made at the time. It’s humbling actually, to step into their shoes and remember how hard things have been and how much you’ve experienced.
3. Gratitude list
Gratitude journaling is the perfect way to round off doing one or both of these exercises, especially because they can feel mentally taxing and dredge up some painful topics. Pick a past version of yourself or an experience that you’ve lived through and write at least 10 things that you’re grateful for in relation to them.
For example, my gratitude list for my teenage repressed lesbian self is:
- I’m grateful that you had even just a few positive experiences with women at that age
- I’m grateful you wanted to keep yourself safe and therefore didn’t open up about it.
- I’m grateful you chose to be sociable and fun even when you felt you didn’t fit in.
- I’m grateful you chose to save some friendships instead of making them complicated.
…. and so on.
To finish your journaling session, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Imagine you’re outside under a sky full of stars, sitting around a roaring campfire with a group of women who are all celebrating, laughing and joking together. Some of them are hugging or holding hands. When you look closer, you see that these are all past versions of yourself and they are welcoming you in. Do this visualisation regularly to integrate the past version of yourself with love and peace.
Buy Work it Out here.
