by Fiona likes to blog | Sep 3, 2023 | LESBIAN LIFE
I’ve always been terrified of getting into debt.
Since my teenage years, my parents instilled in me the importance of seeking their support before resorting to credit cards or loans. On one hand, it demonstrated their generosity and love. However, now in my mid-thirties, I’ve come to realise that this well-intentioned protection inadvertently gave me a complex relationship with money.
Let me go back a bit, to the pivotal moment that shook my sense of self over the past two years. In January 2022, I came to terms with my true identity as a lesbian and made the decision to come out and end my marriage to my then-husband.
The emphasis here is on one word: “realised.”
I didn’t proclaim my sexuality to the world after a lifetime of concealing this truth. There were no sleepless nights rehearsing coming out speeches, no anxiety about how people around me would react. I had been – I thought – a contented, married heterosexual woman for my entire life.
And then, in a matter of minutes, I uncovered a facet of myself that had always been there, but concealed from my own awareness.
Like the finest plot twists in our favourite stories, my perception of reality was forever altered once the revelation occurred. I saw through the looking glass.
via GIPHY
But, much like the most memorable plot twists I’ve enjoyed, I spent considerable time retracing the steps that led to that pivotal moment. I revisited every aspect of my journey, searching for foreshadowing, hints, and evidence of the impending twist, feeling somewhat foolish for not having noticed it sooner.
As someone who absorbs stories like a sponge, I relish the opportunity to predict a plot twist. Therefore, failing to recognise my own hidden truths over the years has left me doubting my own judgment.
I thought I knew myself quite well. But clearly, I was wrong.
So, returning to the notion of my fear of money, what has recently come to the surface is my reluctance to seek financial support as I embark on this phase of life where I aim to become self-reliant.
Asking for financial assistance feels like an admission that I cannot be trusted to provide for myself.
Hence, I’ve been avoiding, postponing, and even rejecting the idea of seeking support from my parents. The question that keeps resurfacing is: why?
Why am I so determined to prove to myself that I can fend for myself when all signs (overdraft, empty bank account, self-imposed Klarna ban) point to the fact that I can’t?
Here’s what I think.
I’m not fighting against my parents; I’m fighting against the patriarchy.
via GIPHY
It’s the system that ingrained in me the notion that being a woman equates to weakness, that being a woman implies dependence on the stability of a man, and that being a woman inherently means needing help.
And that infuriates me.
The problem (?) is that I’m so furious that I’d rather dwell miserably in my overdraft than seek support from the people I love.
And the fact is I don’t actually know if I’ll be able to prove that I am, indeed, capable of supporting myself.
I don’t know if I’ll affirm the narrative that a woman on her own is helpless. Or perhaps, I’ll sail off into the sunset on a life raft fashioned from my own two capable hands.
Who knows.
But what I’m currently focused on, what holds the utmost importance for me right now, is learning to trust in my ability to make it work, either way.
What does it look like to rebuild that self-trust after concealing your true self for so many years? For me, it entails:
1. Believing in my own experiences.
2. Allowing my perception of those experiences to evolve over time.
3. Forgiving myself for keeping certain aspects of my identity hidden.
This journey is about embracing financial independence while simultaneously embracing trust in oneself, which means sometimes withstanding the uncomfortable truth: it is hard to do both.
by Fiona likes to blog | Aug 16, 2023 | LIFE, WRITING
I used AI to come up with a structure for this blog post and I am not sorry.
My brain is fried from the overwhelming pressure that we are all under at the moment. Rent is at an unprecedented high, the hope of getting a mortgage is fading quickly, the cost of everything is increasing, I’m working more than I want to and I’m tired. So yeah, if I can get a little support from Chat GPT think that’s OK.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how hard it is to rest within the clutches of capitalism. The profit-driven nature of privatised consumerism means that prices are increasing which means I need to earn more money to live. As someone with mental and chronic illness, trying to address trauma and function as a single person going through divorce… I’m just tired.
Why Capitalism is Making Your Tired
When your employer doesn’t offer sick pay, you go to work when you know should be in bed getting better. And if you do take time off, you go back to work before you’re well to avoid a slim paycheck and disciplinary action.
When you’re self-employed and the cost of living has increased for your clients, you fear losing them so you don’t increase your rates and are forced to take on more clients to pay your mortgage on time, which can lead to elevated stress levels, substance abuse, insomnia and depression.
When you do feel healthy (whatever that means) you work long hours because you know it will lead to some sort of success in the form of a pay rise, promotion, increased sales, or a general ‘atta boy’ pat on the back from society in general.
You wear clothes that look professional. You mask any parts of yourself that don’t fit the image of what a productive, well-paid, respectable member of society looks like, a practice that people with ADHD are painfully well-versed in.
And when you do have pockets of time outside of work, you feel this undeniable pressure to develop yourself into a better person, reading self-help books and taking courses and listening to podcasts on productivity.
The worst part about all of this is that you don’t feel as though you have any right to complain.
Capitalism works you like a machine and brandishes you as lazy when you perform like a human who needs, rest, play and social time.
Widespread problem
This isn’t a new realisation for me. I worked in hospitality for over a decade, pulling 16 hours shifts on my feet, locking up at midnight only to put the key in the door at 6am the following day.
I took naps in the cupboard, compartmentalised my tears to the staff bathroom, sustained a back injury and worked anyway, ignored panic attacks and did all this while earning a wage that was so laughable I stole food from my employers in order to eat.
Now as a self-employed writer, I’ve experienced the capitalist pressure from the publishing industry, spending literally years writing books for well below minimum wage and feeling as though I should be grateful for the opportunity.
I’ve lost weekends with family, nights out with pals, worked on Christmas Day and lost my temper with partners due to the physical and mental burden of trying to make money doing a job that I actually enjoy.
My experience is not the worst, but it’s certainly not unique.
- Work-related burnout is up to 40%, higher than during the pandemic.
- The number of people not working in the UK due to illness has risen to a new record, in part triggered by a rise in employee mental health issues.
- Figures from the Office for National Statistics show that 438,000 more people were not looking for work from January to March 2023 because they were on long-term sick leave. In total, 2.5m people are not currently working due to health problems.
Resting is not an option
Even when the body does force you to slow down and rest, capitalism tells you that this should be in the ‘right’ way, by paying for therapy, getting in your silly little walk, and buying SAD lamps and vitamins all with the underlying message that you must get well enough to be productive again.
Even our default relaxation mode of scrolling on social media is permeated by consumerism, littered with adverts for things we didn’t know we needed as well as examples of others being more productive or successful than us.
Internalised capitalism
Perhaps the biggest lie we’ve been sold is that constantly pushing forward is the only option. And when you feel deflated, unfulfilled and empty, you assume that the answer is to strive more instead of less.
The blame always lands on us, for not doing enough, being quick/smart/committed enough, and never with the system which is intent on working us like machines.
“Internalized capitalism is this idea that our self-worth is directly linked to our productivity,” said Anders Hayden, a political science professor at Dalhousie University.
“You can’t feel value in yourself just for being alive – just for being a human being. You have to be a ‘human doing’ to have any value.”
Societal pressure
Identifying with your achievements is one of the things I’ve been personally working hard to unlearn.
I am proud that I have written and published two books, but identifying with those achievements and their success has been painful.
Instead of focusing on the fact that I poured my life lessons into hundreds of pages and help my readers feel seen, I have had a tendency to focus on which magazines have featured the book, how many speaking opportunities they have led to, and of course how many sales and how much (little) money they have earned me.
This time last year, I was throwing around book ideas with my agent. Flirting with another memoir, researching industry trends, trying to write ‘for the market’ and amongst all of that I became so disillusioned with the commodification of my creativity (and my trauma) that I simply gave up.
There is no external achievement that is ever going to feel like enough.
Soothing the Pain
So where do we go from here? I can’t think of any way to live outside of the system.
I am perpetuating the system as we speak, this blog post is part of it, it’s a way for me to communicate to you as part of my business. I rely on an audience of writers paying for my time so that I can afford to pay rent and bills.
1. Create more than you consume
Maintaining autonomy is so much harder when you are bombarded with messages from the media. Instead of endlessly consuming, get into the habit of creating what you want to see in the world. Start a book club, write a poem, and cook dinner from scratch. The experience of creation is soothing and gives you back time that would otherwise be sucked up by corporations who want your money.
2. Redefine wealth
I don’t think that you should be ‘satisfied’ with what you earn, and I certainly don’t think that you should be struggling to afford to heat your home and feed yourself.
But I do think those of us with a relatively steady income could benefit from taking a closer look at how we define wealth.
Wealth doesn’t have to be the capitalist definition of money in the bank and property in your name. Wealth can be the experiences you have with friends, a morning spent in the park enjoying nature, or you writing stories and poems that only you will read.
3. Examine emotional spending
This isn’t about saving money, but instead recognising when you are consuming products and services because you’ve been psychologically manipulated into thinking you need them.
For me, this means making do with a minimal skincare routine, three pairs of trousers, one pair of trainers and trying hard not to buy trendy items just because I’m going out somewhere on the weekend.
Buying on Vinted has been helpful in this transitional period as I still want to spend but not in a way that forces me into debt or needing to work harder to pay off my Klarna account.
4. Play and rest as a form of resistance
There is no denying the pressure on modern workers to make every moment of life productive.
They say rest is productive (because it allows you to work harder the next day) but I say rest is just nice. Rest is what we were born to do.
Being playful is a big middle finger to the system that wants you to spend your time working, earning, chasing, and bettering yourself so that you are more valuable.
Playing, whether that’s doodling in your notebook during a meeting, joking around with your friends or writing limericks and sending them to your partner, IS within your grasp. It’s something that you can hold onto and prioritise if you choose to.
Reclaim your energy
So here we are. Trapped in a system we did not choose to be a part of, striving for more and never feeling as though we are enough.
Punished for being human, praised when we push through and perform like robots. Is it any wonder you are tired AF? No.
You are tired because you deserve better, you deserve playfulness, you deserve to create, to have mindful wandering, and contentment in your simple existence.
And while that may not seem easy to achieve, it is possible, and potentially life-changing.
by Fiona likes to blog | Aug 9, 2023 | WRITING
Sue has been in my life for the last few years, attending various writing workshops and cheering me on through Instagram. But last year, she reached out to work with me on a mentoring basis.
Recently, she offered to write down a testimonial for me and I wanted to share it so that if you’re thinking about working with me you can get an idea of what to expect.
“They say when the student is ready the teacher appears.”
I wish it hadn’t taken me 10 years to be ready to find Fi but now I have I am so grateful for her gentle, decisive, insightful guidance.
It is not an exaggeration to say that within 2 weeks of starting coaching with Fi I had accomplished a goal I’d had for several years (Let’s not dwell on how many years, it was a lot). I still find it incredible that something I had built up in my head to be a big scary goal could so quickly and expertly be broken into gentle steps taken with Fi beside me, letting me explore my fears but quietly nudging me on.
I’m not new to being coached, I’m a believer in its power but what is new for me is finding a coach who has met me at my quiet introverted level and guided me without making anything loud, extroverted or pumped up.
But the results I’ve achieved with Fi in a few short weeks have taken me further and farther than any of the expensive ‘’let’s take on the world, hollering and whooping” coaching I’ve tried far too many times to count. I loved those coaches but they haven’t led me to the results I hoped for.
Fi has helped me see that I’ve wanted to be a writer, probably all my life, a vision of quietly sitting pouring the words that filled my soul onto a page in the hope that someday they’d make a difference to someone. I don’t think I even understood that dream but with Fi’s help I’ve found the voice to quietly whisper ‘I am a writer’ and the belief grows day by day.
I didn’t start at 1:1 coaching, I think I started with her podcast, then an evening class or two, each time finding more value than I expected and finding myself wanting more of her time and wisdom. Even feedback has been so sensitively given that I no longer dread getting my word reviews back and now relish seeing Fi’s feedback. There’s deep wisdom there, she only reveals it slowly and I’m not sure she even understands herself how powerful and valuable her knowledge and experience are yet.
Fi is still my coach as I write this, I’m excited for what else I can accomplish with her as my guide. If your path hasn’t crossed with hers, I hope you’ll give her a try and see if she can help you achieve your dreams too.
However huge or humble your vision may be, Fi’s smart, supportive and surprisingly easy guidance may also take you from baby steps to dreams come true.
If you’re interested, here are some ways you can work with me.
by Fiona likes to blog | Aug 8, 2023 | WRITING
Wow we are truly moving into the end of 2023.
I’ve seen some major shifts in my life over the summer: I have my divorce paperwork all done and dusted, I finally moved out of my parents’ house and am renting a room in Glasgow. I own six plants! Will they survive the winter? Only time will tell.
Writing-wise, I’ve begun blogging again which has felt like an emotional release I didn’t know I needed. The thing about being self-employed is that a lot of the writing I do is either for a client, a publication, or rooted in marketing strategy in order to generate more sales.
But blogging, maaan, I forgot how much freedom I have on this platform to just say what I need to say. Write what is in my head at that exact moment, and publish it without needing to be positioned in a certain way, it’s so freeing for me personally and is also reminding me WHY I started writing in the first place.
If you’re new to these parts, you might not know that I started my writing career as a fitness blogger. After doing that for a year, I bit the bullet and started writing about my mental health.
Back in 2013, that was a scary prospect. I didn’t share my blog with friends and family for yearsssss because I was kind of embarrassed about being so vulnerable on the internet. But really, it was that vulnerability that taught me the therapeutic potential of writing, and it also led to my first book deal.
Anyway, I’m kinda feeling envigorated about writing which is perfect timing because I want to share 3 ways you can work with me on your writing over the next few months:
Perfect for you if you’re looking for a one-off, creative burst to reignite your writing journey. Together I’ll take the group through a mix of journaling, fiction and poetry exercises interspersed with creative conversations and pep talks.
You might meet a buddy who you can continue to write with online, you might create something you’re really proud of, or get a brand new idea that you’re excited to get stuck into. Either way, you’ll leave with your creative cup full to the brim.
£111 or payment plans from £37
My signature writing program Inspire Write Repeat is back for the final iteration of 2023! If you’re someone who struggles to make the habit of writing stick for any longer than a few days, this one is for you.
We log onto Zoom twice a week (although some people opt for just once!) and write together using fresh prompts or do a guided session where I teach you a new technique. This round also includes a free ticket to the retreat mentioned above, a 1:1 tarot reading and a chance to socialise with members.
£677 or payment plans from £67
For those of you who want my undivided attention, private mentoring offers me in your pocket for 3 months.
You’ll get 1:1 mentoring calls, goal-tracking spreadsheets and written feedback on your writing. If you’re ready to level up your writing, get in touch.
£1500 or payment plans from £500
by Fiona likes to blog | Aug 6, 2023 | LIFE, WRITING
I’m recently divorced after being in a relationship for almost 18 years, so it’s been a huge learning curve getting used to being on my own again. Whether you’re a student, a professional, working from home, living the single life or keen to romanticise your relationship, I think actively creating a life that gets you excited is possible for everyone.
At first, I thought romanticising your life was about travelling solo (which I did!) but then I realised that it can be about the little things too.
I don’t believe that romanticising your life is solely about grand gestures, expensive purchases or seizing every opportunity that comes your way. It’s about capitalising on what you have today, about being grateful for where you are now and taking pleasure in the things that bring you joy, no matter what anyone else thinks.
1. Reorganise your space
When I was a kid I loved the film Calamity Jane. My favourite part is the montage where Jane and her ‘friend’ set up in a tired little cottage and spruce it up into a home, whilst singing a song about a woman’s touch.
Although I’ve now realised that this is an iconic cinematic moment for many lesbians my age (little baby me had no idea) I think it’s a perfect example of how taking pride in your space can be a beautiful act of self-care.
It’s also an invitation to slow down, to think about how your environment not only impacts your mood but how little tweaks can turn your home into a sanctuary.
How can you create the feeling that you want to embody by using all the senses?
This could be:
- spending an afternoon quietly cleaning the windows
- dusting and rearranging your favourite trinkets
- picking out your favourite tarot cards to display on the mantel
- shopping for second-hand artwork
I like to light incense to signify a peaceful stage in the day, and music to get me into the right mood.
Imagine your favourite restaurants, cafes or hotels you’ve been to. What about that space felt comforting to you? It’s easier than you think to create that vibe in your own space, especially with sites like Vinted where you can pick up second-hand items on a budget.
2. Make mindful rituals
I’ve always been a coffee lover, but my mornings have gotten better since I started using coffee grounds instead of instant.
Something about the art of getting my Aeropress or French press set up, scooping the coffee just so (I love Fower coffee) boiling the kettle and waiting for it to filter through makes the whole process way more romantic.
Instead of mindlessly stirring instant coffee in 30 seconds, this process takes around 5-6 minutes and requires me to step away from work and ground myself in the present moment, using the act of coffee making as a reason to pause and be patient.
Other mindful rituals I enjoy include:
- meditating
- doing the dishes slowly by hand
- experimenting with new make-up
- applying a face mask
- shaving my legs
Any task that you do regularly has the potential to be turned into a romantic ritual, the trick is to be fully present in the ritual and focus only on the task at hand.
3. Dress for yourself
I think we’re all guilty of saving our best clothes for a future date and working from home means that there is always the temptation to wear grotty PJs all day every day.
Take the time to put together an outfit that expresses who you are and how you want to feel that day.
Maybe that means PJS, but the clean, fancy ones you normally reserve for the weekend. Or maybe it’s taking the time to change your earrings, wearing perfume and painting your nails on a Wednesday evening.
Taking pride in your appearance, even when no one else is around, can be an empowering experience and one that makes you realise your life is yours to be created on a moment-by-moment basis.
4. Write in public
I’m actually writing this blog post from a cafe near my house. There’s something soooooo main character energy about writing in public that I will never tire of.
Maybe it’s because I love people knowing that I’m a writer, or because being witnessed makes it a sort of performance that I enjoy, or maybe it’s the hubbub of people coming and going that makes me feel part of a ‘scene’ that I wouldn’t be part of at home.
Either way, I highly recommend taking your notebook or laptop out to a quirky little cafe, ordering a coffee and cake and writing your little heart out, pretending you’re a character in a movie. If you want to journal, check out my free daily journaling guide here.
5. Create the soundtrack to your life
On a workday, I like soundscape music such as coffee shop sounds, and in the evening I like reiki healing sounds. On a weekend I delve into my pop playlist and romantic indie songs to evoke a sense of self-love.
Whenever I hear a song that makes me feel really happy, I add it to a playlist for when I need to boost my mood. There are particular songs that I enjoy listening to as I walk, because that’s when I feel my most upbeat and as though I’m in control of my life.
My favourite walking songs are:
OK, that’s my thoughts on how to romanticise your life. How are you feeling about trying some of these tips? Do you have any other unusual ways to share with me? Leave them in the comments below!
