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Going freelance and feeling like an imposter

Going freelance and feeling like an imposter

by | Feb 9, 2018 | ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, Uncategorized

I recently quit my job, again.

This is a cycle which has played out repeatedly over the last six years, often as a result of feeling completely overwhelmed at work to the point where my only way out is to start afresh.

I’m the queen of taking on too much. I always start a new job with the best of intentions, knowing full well that my history with depression and anxiety leaves me susceptible to stress a lot more than the average person.

The unfortunate thing is that I’m a total people-pleaser as well as a bit of a swot, so if I can take on extra responsibility at work as well as help my employer out then I’m all in. I’ll happily push myself right to the edge mental health wise in order to appear like the best worker.

It’s silly, but it’s who I am and I’m trying hard to change. I’ve been juggling my day job in a local sandwich shop alongside this blog, freelance writing and some social media management for about six months but in December 2017 it all got to be a bit much. I certainly wasn’t planning on relying solely on my freelance income this year but hey, life doesn’t go to plan sometimes.

 

After I quit I kept it on the down low. Looking back now, its a shame because going solo in the world of freelance is actually a big, exciting step in my career. I didn’t want to shout it from the rooftops until I’d fully digested what had actually taken place, as it all happened in a bit of a blur. After being freelance now for a whole two weeks (am I an expert yet? Hell no) I can say in all certainty that I know why I’ve been keeping it quiet. I feel like a big, stinking imposter.

It wasn’t until I was watching one of my favourite You Tubers Aine talk about living authentically in her last (very candid) video that I realised this. I’ve known about ‘imposter syndrome’ for years, and I’ve felt it at various times throughout my life. I felt it when I got invited to my first big blogging event (a Superdrug press day folks, where I got a free flu jab and a goodie bag!) and I felt it when I got my first article published on the Metro.

It’s that gut feeling you get when you think that you have absolutely no right to be doing your job, and that any minute now someone’s going to come banging on your door and asking you to hand in your name badge, screaming “who the hell do you think you are?”

 

The past few weeks have been a but of a roller-coaster. I’ve had to try and manage my own workload, something which can be easy when you really love what you do, but still quite difficult when there’s no one there to force you to crawl out of bed in the morning. The result is often a compromise; working in my pyjamas from under the duvet until I’ve woken up enough to hop in the shower before midday.

Does this make me an imposter? I don’t think so. I know plenty of writers and social media managers who openly talk about working from home or ‘bediting’ as I heard one You Tuber call it, so I think in that respect I’m surrounded by lots of people with a similar frame of mind. Should I be up at the crack of dawn knocking back espressos and typing up thousands of words before the sun rises? Definitely not. It I did that I’d be an imposter in my own life, and totally wired from too much coffee and not enough sleep. Not my style.

So as the first few weeks of being freelance draw to a close, do I still feel like an imposter? Hell yes! I don’t think I’ll ever fully accept that people actually want to pay me money to write, because I love it so much. I’ll probably always live with the fear of being rumbled, exposed as a fraud for all to see.

But until that moment comes, I’m getting stuff done. I’ve got my gang who support me without question. I’m hustling away quietly (yes, sometimes from my own bed) and I’ve got some really exciting projects to share with you this year. I can’t wait to get started!

Improve your mental health with ‘5 Minutes in the Morning’

Improve your mental health with ‘5 Minutes in the Morning’

by | Jan 4, 2018 | ANXIETY

Silence is scary.

Have you ever walked into your kitchen and realised that the fridge isn’t working? That moment when you realise that dull humming sound is completely absent is a creepy one.

I don’t consider myself a particularly observant person (I’ve been known to unwittingly ignore my own family because I’m too busy looking at my own fingernails) but silence is something that gets my attention.

As I write this I’m sitting in my local coffee shop – let’s call it Smarbucks – where activity is always happening.

At the counter a couple of Jenner-Kardashian doppelgängers are ordering their frothy frappes to go, whilst a tired looking barista passive-aggressively bangs old coffee grounds into the nearest compost bin. I can hear the murmur of Mums catching up over a cuppa, kids crying for attention and Dido or Norah Jones or whoever playing her greatest hits over the store radio.

But all of this combined doesn’t seem ‘loud’ to me. It’s background noise, a comforting distraction which makes me feel part of a busy little environment where I blend in without too much fuss.

True silence on the other hand, doesn’t feel quite so comfortable.

When I go sleep at night I put my headphones in and listen to music. Whilst I do my make up in the morning I watch my favourite You Tube personalities. As I walk to work I listen to an audio book or a podcast, because I just can’t seem to enjoy peace and quiet.

 

I’m well aware though as someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, that I need to address this problem. I’m almost certain I’m keeping my eyes and ears distracted as a way to stop my brain from addressing any negative emotions which are bubbling underneath the surface.

I’ve tried meditating, yoga and mindfulness and although I do think all these things work, I’m personally at a stage where I need to take a few baby steps first. So when I came across this focus journal called Five Minutes in the Morning, I thought it was worth giving a try.

I’ve been making time most mornings to sit down with a hot cuppa in my favourite mug (the bigger the better) and make my way through the journal, which is essentially a set of daily prompts to encourage you to write.

I think it’s important to point out that you don’t have to be an eloquent writer to use this journal, in fact, you don’t even need to be a good writer. It’s not necessarily the writing which is important but the time spent focusing on the task at hand.

I find it difficult to sit and be ‘mindful’, wistfully staring into space for five minutes when all I can think about is how much I want to check my phone. My thoughts wander and that’s only natural.

Setting aside this time to write actually forces me to focus on something in particular, helps to start the day on a positive note and gives me space to think clearly before the daily routine takes over.

So what’s in the journal?

Most of the short exercises use writing to explore the theme of focus, whilst some simply require your attention, something which is a great task in its own right.

Some days you will practise clearing out clutter, worries, fears and doubts. Some pages encourage you to explore what really matters to you and how to put those things back at the top your to-do list. There is also a section dedicated to developing your attitude of abundance – celebrating what is good in your life and inviting more of what you wish for.

In a world where we’re constantly striving to be happier, get more done and be more efficient in every aspect of our lives, sometimes we need to stop for five minutes and take stock.

In particular I liked the final set of exercises which help to supercharge your levels of productivity and reach those goals, not always by doing more, but often by choosing how to do less. Doing LESS! That’s something I definitely need to take more seriously.

The thing I love most about this journal is that you can write directly on the pages. The book is small enough to fit in your handbag or bedside table, the paper is matt which is satisfying to write on and pale blue colour scheme is the instant wash of calm which I need every morning.

 

Above all Five Minutes in the Morning is a creative and emotional outlet, not an essay to be graded. It’s about writing for yourself and to yourself, maybe talking about what you’ve achieved or what your good qualities are.

One morning I wrote that I was feeling tired, drained unmotivated, and just wanted to stay home and eat junk food. I was having a day where I basically wanted to self-sabotage. I wanted to curl up under the sheets and ignore the world and binge eat to feel better. I know myself that this behaviour only heads to guilt, shame and ultimately even more negative feelings and as soon as I wrote that out in the journal I knew I wouldn’t go ahead with those bad habits.

Seeing my feelings down in black and white actually helped me separate myself from them, almost like dumping them on the page helped me let go of them altogether. I think that’s pretty powerful, don’t you?

Head over to my Instagram where I’m giving away a copy of Five Minutes in the Morning to one lucky follower!

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Gift ideas for friends with depression

Gift ideas for friends with depression

by | Nov 29, 2017 | DEPRESSION

Buying gifts for friends with depression can be tricky. You want them to feel loved and appreciated, but often they have no interest in things that usually make them happy.

I find it hard to ask for presents because I often feel like I don’t deserve any, but when people do make the effort to choose me a thoughtful gift it can really lift my spirit for the day.

I’ve also written about gifts for people with anxiety, which you can read here.

Books about mental illness

One thing that really helps me work on my own mental health is by reading about other peoples’ experiences. I absolutely love Bryony Gordon’s Mad Girl, it’s one of my all-time favourites.

You can take your pick from the Trigger Publishing and they have an extensive range of memoirs in the ‘Inspirational Series’ which includes my own book.

My particular story is all about social media and how it can play an important role in recovery and relapse in equal measure. You can order it on Amazon.

T-shirts

These Have Hope t-shirts were designed by my brother.

They are perfect for skateboarders or punk rock fans, and the bright colours and graphic prints are unlike any other mental health brands I’ve seen.

For more mental health awareness merch ideas read this.

You Got This: A Feel-Good Zine

If you’re looking for something to boost your mood, I’ve created this beautiful mini magazine which is filled with original writings on mental health as well as artwork by Chloe from The Feels Club.

It’s not designed to cure the symptoms of depression and anxiety, but merely act as a companion for when you’re having a bad day. You can buy it via my shop here.

I Can Cards

Positive affirmations can be hard to implement when you have depression, so these handy cards and a useful way to remind your friends that they are loved and wanted.

The ‘Depression & Anxiety’ pack was created by people who suffer from the illness personally, as so it’s made with the end user in mind.

Every day the person who owns the cards selects one at random and then takes a few moments to reflect on the affirmation.

I’ve been using them for months now and I can’t praise them enough. You can read my full blog review here

Laura Talanti Pins/Stickers

“You Are Enough” is such a simple phrase, but one that I personally need reminded of daily.  Giving this gift to a friend is really thoughtful, and acts as a regular pep talk whenever they wear it.

This professionally made soft enamel pin is the perfect reminder to pin to your bag or jacket. It measures approx 1.25 inches.

The teal green pin has a gold metal outline/text. The new glitter option has rose gold metal with iridescent white glitter and a shiny epoxy coating.

These gorgeous glossy stickers are professionally printed durable stickers that will not fade and will last for years on notebook covers, laptops etc.

You will receive two stickers – one of each design. Again, these act as subtle reminders for a friend that you”re thinking about them and that you value them.

One reads “Real Not Perfect” and the other “You Are Enough”.

Five Minutes in the Morning: A Focus Journal

What if five minutes could change your routine and change your day?

What if you checked in with how you are feeling for just those few minutes, maybe sitting down over that cup of coffee or tea, or quietly sitting by the window before you head towards the shower?

Often people with depression don’t make time for themselves, and this is lovely journal to encourage a few minutes of personal reflection.

Lush Twilight Gift Set

Sometimes the gift of a good night’s sleep is invaluable. When I’m depressed I often forget to take care of my body as I’m so focused on my mind.

This set is a little treat, helping friends relax and enjoy a bath or shower with the calming scent of lavender.

The box contains the infamous Sleepy Body Lotion, Twilight Body Spray and Twilight Shower Gel.

My Listography: My Amazing Life in Lists

Sometimes it’s nice to write as a form of expression, without writing about feelings or depression itself.

It can actually be quite difficult for people with depression to organise their thoughts or even define them, so having a book of prompts is perfect.

This Listography is a lovely way to encourage writing and could even act as a gentle motivator for being more productive.

Contains affiliate links

Read next: Gift ideas for friends with anxiety

The perfect gift idea for loved ones with mental illness

The perfect gift idea for loved ones with mental illness

by | Nov 10, 2017 | DEPRESSION

I’m OK

A post shared by Fionalikestoblog.com (@fionalikestoblog) on

Living with a mental illness is difficult all year round, but it can be especially testing at particular times such as birthdays and Christmas.

I personally feel like I don’t deserve to receive gifts at Christmas, because I feel like I’m a hassle to deal with a lot of the time.

Obviously that’s not true, but it just goes to show how your view of the world can easily become distorted when you have a mental illness.

Earlier this year I was sent a box of I Can Cards by the owner Amy, and they’ve been one of the most helpful things I’ve ever been sent.

Just a friendly reminder on this gloomy Monday 💪🏻

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Every day I pick one of the 25 cards, read the positive affirmation and use it as a ways to stay in tune with my mood throughout the day.

I actually record this daily on my Instagram stories so head over there if you want to see me talk more in depth about each card.

Each affirmation is written by people who have experienced the same life changing events and situations, which means every single card really resonates with me on a personal level.

It really is amazing how powerful affirmations can be, and how they can help set the tone for the rest of your day.

Amy sent me the Depression and Anxiety pack which I connected with instantly, and I’ve also bought the Self-Care pack for myself and as gifts for friends.

You can also choose the Warrior Woman, Single Parent, Break Up or Post-Natal Depression box.

“We are trying to offer comfort, motivation, reassurance and love through the cards, and most of all knowing that you aren’t alone and that others understand exactly what you are going through.

Sometimes there aren’t any solutions or quick fixes to tough situations, but there are still glimmers of hope and love that you can embrace.”

Amy has just announced that there is a special Self-Care Christmas box too, which is so gorgeous!

It comes with some chocolate, a handmade luxury candle, inspiration artwork, wrist reminder and of course a pack of I Can Cards.

They come beautifully hand wrapped too, and I know I’d be incredibly touched if someone gave me this as a gift.

They are a limited edition though so grab them quick!

Sometimes it’s hard for friends and family to find the words to say “I care” to those of us with mental illness. So why not say, “I can” instead?

Find out more here.

Why I’m ditching self-care and searching for ‘restorative space’

Why I’m ditching self-care and searching for ‘restorative space’

by | Oct 30, 2017 | DEPRESSION

The idea of spending 60 minutes sweating it out in a public gym with strangers is most people’s idea of hell on earth. The smell, the obnoxiously placed mirrors, the overly friendly personal trainers and then there’s the real stinger – having to actually PAY for the privilege to experience all of the above. But for me, it’s where I go practise my version of self-care. In fact, since I started working out in 2012 I’ve barely had one week where I’ve missed a session. I’m not particularly fit or trim, but I’m definitely living proof that exercise is good for people with mental illness.

I’m always preaching that everyone should take 30 minutes a day to do what they love. Find what makes you happy and make time for it every day, and that’s your self care routine taken care of. Easy.

But as I sit here peddling aimlessly on a squeaky bike at my local gym, hurriedly typing this blog post into the notes app on my phone, I can’t help but question whether I’ve taken a wrong turn down the self care path.

Like every other female blogger I’m obsessed with Emma Gannon and all that she stands for (the specs, the boots, the quiet yet ever present confidence) so I’ve been listening to her podcasts regularly.

She recently appeared on the BBC Radio 4 Woman’s Hour where she and the other guests discussed work life balance; something which I always need advice on.

The phrase “restorative space” came up and to be honest I’ve never heard of it before. If self-care was the phrase of 2017 then I think I might have just found the next big thing for wellness gurus everywhere.

If you search “restorative space” online you’ll find that it’s actually a term used in dentistry – clearly the Deliciously Ellas of the world haven’t caught on yet – so I have defined this new phrase on my own.

From listening to Emma, Ash, Zeena and Rosie talk I got the impression they were using it as a way to describe activities which help give us an energy boost. A way to refuel the tank, if you will.

I found this quote about such activities which I thought summed up my thoughts nicely;

“Some of the psychological benefits of leisure might include, but are not limited to, increases in self-actualization, self-identity, self-esteem, or self-concept; personal enjoyment and growth; reduction of anxiety and depression; enhanced feelings of spirituality; and improvements in overall psychological well-being” (Human Kinetics)

But this idea of restorative space got me thinking. How is different from self-care, and how can women find this ‘space’?

During this gym session alone I’ve listened to a podcast, started writing a blog post and answered two emails not to mention several Tweets. Is this kind of multi-tasking negating the effectiveness of my previously successful self-care workout slot?

It definitely is.

So maybe I should forget my self-care plan – which tends to be a reactive solution to my mental health problems – and instead focus on a proactive solution?

Does is deserve it’s own time slot?

Finding time to recharge my batteries is a tricky business. I’ve been honing my self-care skills for months now, slowly adding activities to my repertoire and pulling them out of a bag Mary Poppins style, but it’s a struggle.

I’m so easily distracted. I just had to stop typing this to read a Facebook message which can best be described as an animated chain letter, and now I’m on Pinterest planning dinner. Where was I?

So maybe I need to reframe my idea of self-care from a single activity to an actual time slot. I think reserving a 30 minute segment in my day where I turn off all electronic devices is a great start, even if I don’t have a ‘self-care activity’ planned.

Surely being disconnected from technology and having some quiet time is a step in the right direction?

Is it a physical area?

I’m always throwing self-care activities into the mix without actually being present to enjoy the benefits. I’ll treat myself to a morning coffee, only to reach for the final sip and realise I finished the damn thing an hour ago and have been scrolling on my phone mindlessly ever since.

I’ve lost an hour of my time which I specifically took out of my working schedule and haven’t even managed to enjoy a simple coffee break without distraction.

As women, we constantly do this. We take 15 minute bath masqueraded as ‘me time’ when it’s actually a daily requirement to wash oneself. We say we ‘love to cook’, when really we have to cook to feed the family, and guilt is stopping us from serving pizza for the third night in a row. We get an early night to recharge, only to get up early to catch up on housework and emails.

We are too busy trying to be efficient workers, mums or wives and have started to see the bottom of the laundry basket as a sign of self-development. When will we start doing things truly for ourselves once in a while?

Maybe a restorative space can help us? Is it a real place? The spa? The park? The back garden on a fresh, sunny morning where just five minutes of silence and a few deep breaths can act as the antidote to an overactive mind? Wherever it is, I want to be there.

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The self-care movement has been hijacked

If I see one more list of self-care activities on Pinterest, I’ll spontaneously combust.

The whole idea of self-care is actually a very boring one as explained by artist Hannah Daisy. She created a popular series of drawings around the hashtag #boringselfcare and feels that the sentiment of self-care has been wrongly re-appropriated by people on social media. In this blog post she explains;

“Self care seems to mean, on the internet anyway, activities you only engage in as a luxury, like the classic; fancy bath bombs or buying fancy crystals. Often activities which cost money, are only nice things or only available for able bodied people.

For me I think even the way ‘self care’ term is used, it insinuates you have to do it yourself, shaming an alienating those who need actual people and carers to do it for them (for what ever reason, physical, emotional and/or neuro diversity etc.)

This is not my understanding as a mental health professional at all. Self care refers to all the activities we need to do day to day and the ‘self’ bit doesn’t mean you have to do it yourself.”

Self-care is more that just a list of activities which we get to pick and choose from to make ourselves feel extra special. It’s actually the day-to-day things that are often essential to survival, like taking our medication or noticing our stress triggers.

I’ve been guilty of using the term self-care frivolously and I’m well aware that the media has grabbed hold of it too. I love this article by Ellen Scott where she says “Stop using self-care to try to sell me sh*t”.

How often have you read an Instagram post with #selfcare and #ad in the same caption? It says it all really.

Well today, I’m giving self-care the elbow and proclaiming it a new age. The age where a mentally unstable women like myself needs to rebrand her leisure time (stay with me) and coin and new phrase. This is the age of the restorative space and I’m stepping into it.

I will be restored!