Why learning to ignore my anxiety is having a positive impact on my mental health

ignoring anxiety symptoms

As I sit here on a half-empty Virgin train waiting to leave Glasgow Central, I doubt anyone around can tell I’m trying to stop myself from having a panic attack. I’ve put my luggage away, started typing on my laptop and even exchanged a few words with the woman opposite about seat numbers and how busy the train is.

I’ve secretly popped one of my beta-blockers to slow down my heart rate and I’ve avoided caffeine all weekend to minimise the chance of feeing twitchy and anxious. However, I can’t deny I’ve noticed the little hints that something’s not right.

I’ve been biting my lip, twisting my wedding ring and have visited the bathroom more than usual this morning. My jaw is locked shut and I’ve been grinding my teeth since the early hours.

But still, I’m the only one who knows that a panic attack could be imminent. In recent months this fact has started to comfort me. Like most people with mental illness I’ve spent a lot of my time feeling isolated. I have a constant internal monologue whereby I talk myself out of doing any social activity that makes me nervous.

The voices inside tell me I’m worthless, boring and stupid and should avoid talking to others. Why risk making a fool of myself when I can stay home alone and overthink everything I’ve ever said and done? The voices have won the fight more often than not.

anxiety mental health blogger uk

Generalised anxiety disorder doesn’t always display physical symptoms. It chips away at my confidence day by day, making me feel sick from the moment I wake up until I manage to fall asleep at 3am the next morning.

It’s often irrational. It doesn’t appear to be connected to anything particular, and things that I normally do with ease – like visiting the supermarket – can all of a sudden be too overwhelming to contemplate.

Many girly nights out have involved me hiding the bathroom of a club, silently crying and building up the confidence to go back out and pretend to be OK. I’ve burst into tears and had to leave the gym, the one place where I usually feel so at home.

So sitting on this train knowing that no one suspects the terror I’m currently experiencing is somehow, a good thing. I guess it’s a feeling of control.

I used to feel like I wasn’t in control of my body. I couldn’t stop myself feeling anxious, depressed and physically tense. I couldn’t stop myself running for the nearest exit as soon as it all got too much.

I still can’t control all of my physical symptoms – like the lip-chewing and incessant bathroom trips – but they no longer control me. I can sit here happy in my own thoughts, acknowledging each habit like an old friend. They pop up now and again, sit beside me and we have a polite conversation. “Ah it’s you again” I think to myself, and I get on with my business as they sit peering over my shoulder.

And that’s where the magic happens. In the acknowledgement of these habits. I can acknowledge them, and move on. Feel them, and rise above them. I don’t have to react to them or let them take over. I can just let them be.

Before I know it, the train has departed and I’m an hour into my journey. I’ve written a few blog posts and enjoyed the scenic views as I watch Scotland fade into the distance.

I look over my shoulder and realise that the symptoms have gone. I know they’re still lurking, waiting to make an appearance at a later date. But I’m ready.

 


 

14 thoughts on “Why learning to ignore my anxiety is having a positive impact on my mental health

  1. well done on regaining control of your symptoms and managing the distractions of blogging or randomly chatting with the woman across from you. I know how difficult it is to find ways to hush self-doubt and anxiety, and like you, experience all those repetitive WC trips – although that happens mostly at home, before I even get out and tend to avoid public restrooms as much as I can (which is 95% of the time, ppl are just dirty, at least here in France).

    I read somewhere (is it on Meg’s be kind to your mind blog?) the tip of giving a name to one’s mental illness or anxiety, and although I didn’t try it yet myself, have found the concept an interesting one, a bit like your “ah it’s you again”, recognizing the patterns and thoughts and hushing them away with internal dialogue. Well done on finding this tool !

    Indeed, most people are quite oblivious to what we are going through, unless we have a full blown panic attacks because those are far more visible in their effects than our bellow the surface anxieties. In time, am sure you’ll get fewer and fewer of those, because of your coping mechanisms and growing sets of tools to face and take control of your thoughts. In the meantime, whenever you need, feel free to reach out 🙂 Always here for you Fiona

  2. Loved this post! I always relate to your posts so much and know exactly what you mean with this one. Well done on ignoring those horrible feelings 🙂 Emily-Alice xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s